


ROSE

by ofreverentia



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Certain events and actions may differ from original, Communication Failure, Cutesy, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, First Kiss, Hurt, Implied Sexual Content, Kissing, M/M, Making Out, Mild Sexual Content, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Slow Burn, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-12
Updated: 2019-09-13
Packaged: 2019-11-16 03:56:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 28,634
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18086951
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ofreverentia/pseuds/ofreverentia
Summary: "If you want my heart, you need to take my pain too." Yuzuru had said as they lay in bed, facing each other, the setting sun behind Shoma casting a soft pink and orange hue over the whole room. Their limbs were tangled under the sheets, fingertips mapping out different constellations on the others skin. Shoma shivered from time to time as the soft touch tickled him but he didn’t make Yuzuru stop.





	1. My love is like a red rose

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: This happens if someone inspires you with an emoji to listen to an old song... Wife I am looking at you XD

"If you want my heart, you need to take my pain too." Yuzuru had said as they lay in bed, facing each other, the setting sun behind Shoma casting a soft pink and orange hue over the whole room. Their limbs were tangled under the sheets, fingertips mapping out different constellations on the others skin. Shoma shivered from time to time as the soft touch tickled him but he didn’t make Yuzuru stop. Yuzuru never really stopped, it was all about movement with him. It reminded Shoma of the dance the Earth and Sun played with each other. Maybe Shoma was the Earth and Yuzuru was the sun, shining so bright with a heat barely anyone could bear.

 

“Don’t trust me too much…” Yuzuru had added and Shoma couldn’t help but smile. Oh he trusted Yuzuru all too much, even if the older told him countless times not to. He couldn’t help it. Drawn to to him like one of the bees Yuzuru admired, to the sweet rose scent of his skin. Leaning in the younger pressed the tips of their noses together, slowly inhaling. 

 

“My love is like a red rose, it may be beautiful now but my sharp thorns will hurt you… the closer you get, the more I’ll hurt you.” Shoma closed the small distance between their lips to stop the flow of words and to taste his lips.

 

“Every rose has it’s thorn… it makes them more beautiful and exciting.” Shoma had spoken once he pulled back, hand reaching up to touch Yuzurus cheek. “And if it hurts… I don’t mind. Not when it comes to you.”

 

Yuzuru smiled at him albeit a bit bitterly. Shoma knew what they had was possibly temporary nevertheless the temptation was stronger than any reason.


	2. It may be beautiful now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Shoma wondered how he ended up being in Barcelona, Spain, qualified for the Grand Prix Final. Somehow the season progressed on a good note without him really realizing what was happening to him. He was on top of podiums, going against skaters who he felt were much out of his league - one of them being Yuzuru Hanyu._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2015 Grand Prix Finale, Barcelona (Spain)

Shoma wondered how he ended up being in Barcelona, Spain, qualified for the Grand Prix Final. Somehow the season progressed on a good note without him really realizing what was happening to him. He was on top of podiums, going against skaters who he felt were much out of his league - one of them being Yuzuru Hanyu. 

 

Yuzuru was a star in Japan and while Shoma had the privilege to compete against him since young both national and international; even call themselves friends he wondered if it was fake or reality. Shoma knew enough about Yuzuru to know when it came to Team Japan or people he allowed to get just a bit closer to him he was a different person than on camera. For the media there was this strong individual, borderline perfect, the JSF painting a beautiful image for the attention. Backstage though he was loud and always restless but also solemn...lonely. Shoma understood now slowly as his career was peaking that to be on the top you can easily turn lonely, Yuzuru has been on the top for so many years now, evolving even further. He wondered if he would be able to do that. All the attention from the media and fans, not able to step a foot in front of his hotel room without being bothered by a group of fans already. Having at least 30 people following you as you leave the skaters only area at any venue. Bodyguards and so many more people purely present to keep you safe. Shoma couldn’t do that, he was never good with these things, with people in general. A select few maybe but when it came to more than five people in the room, strangers he felt foreign, his skin itching and uncomfortable.

 

Shoma sighed, looking at his open suitcase in his room, clothes already thrown about barely after he arrived. He sat down on the bed and wondered what he was doing here, if he could truly do this. The Grand Prix Finale and go against Yuzuru Hanyu, Javier Fernandez another opponent to be vary of but also would he be able to keep his cool around the Yuzuru he knew? The person and not the media puppet? 

 

Growing up Shoma quickly learned what he was feeling towards Yuzuru over the years was childhood admiration of a star, a goal he had set for himself but now it morphed into something more. Heart speeding up to hammer against his chest whenever the older smiled at him.  _ “You have a fucking crush, you idiot.” _ Itsuki had told him one day after he spend maybe two hours of talking about Yuzuru yet again. It hit him like a brick.

 

Shoma was falling in love with the great Yuzuru Hanyu. It wasn’t the fact that he was male or anything. His own sexuality was never a question for him. Skating was his life though along with his games. Did he have time for a relationship? Did he want one? Would Yuzuru want a relationship if he ever had the courage to confess? 

 

His mind was going thousand miles and hour again. He felt bone dead tired from the travel, jet-lag with the first practice happening the next day. Dragging himself on top of the covers, laying his head on the pillow he closed his eyes.

 

“Need to stop thinking, we aren’t even really friends. Why am I thinking of a relationship already? He would never like me that way… I am so much younger, he lives across continents. I don’t even know if he likes guys or girls. Shoma… you need to get a grip, you have an important competition ahead.” Turning he buried his face into the pillow, hoping for sleep to come but his phone took that exact moment to start buzzing in his pocket. Groaning he reached for it, picking the call up without looking at the screen.

 

“Shoma-kun?” Shoma could recognize that voice anywhere. He sat up so fast he felt the world turning for a good minute. “Shoma-kun? Are you there? Is everything okay?”

 

“Ah… yes, sorry I just sat up too quick. Hello Yuzu-kun.” He heard a chuckle on the other end of the line, causing a bright flush to appear on his face.

 

“How was your flight? Are you sleepy?”

 

“I am okay, just the usual… can’t sleep yet.” A hum as a reply, followed by a bit of silence.

 

“Would you like to...spend some time together? I can’t sleep either and I can’t really leave… We could play a game in my room? If you want of course?” Shoma was silent for a bit and he already could sense the worry in Yuzuru. The older started to make excuses, there would be no pressure on him and such but Shoma stopped him.

 

“I would like to… You are in the same hotel? Which room? I will come in a bit… I may need to freshen up before…” Another laugh and Shoma wanted to hear that more, it sounded nice, like a soft melody to his ears. Yuzuru confirmed his room number and floor and Shoma dragged his tired limbs to the bathroom. Slashing some water onto his face he hoped he could look presentable, changed into fresh clothes and made his way towards the said room. The numbers on the door looked intimidating but he forced those feelings down, knocking softly on the wood. It took maybe a minute before it opened and it revealing a relaxed looking Yuzuru. The soft smile on his face was blinding, causing his heart to do a flip in his chest.

 

“Hel-lo..” He managed to greet, making the older grin wider and to step aside to let him in.

 

\----

 

Almost all evenings following that aside from the ones directly before the short and free he spent in the olders room, playing games. They laughed and talked all the time. Shoma kept falling and everything else from the Finale was a blur. All he could think about was how the two laid on the olders bed side by side, playing games for hours, elbowing each other to gain upper hand or just forget to play to talk instead. He learned so much about Yuzuru and it didn’t help his feelings.

 

\----

 

This all leads him to be called on the podium as a bronze medalist and he wonders truly how he got there, up next to Javier and Yuzuru. He was so confused and out of it when the older told him to stand on the top level with him and put his hands around him, he linked them instead.

 

“It’s not a wedding. Around, put your arm around.” Yuzuru threw his head back and Shoma was still confused, mesmerized by the his profile, the long stretch of his neck and he blinked. Even Javier started to laugh at their antics even if he didn’t understand the Japanese. Somehow Shoma managed to cut his embarrassment short, wrap his arm around the older and pose for pictures. For once his smile more genuine than the frozen weird expression he tends to have due to nerves.

 

Yuzuru kept teasing him the cameras were eating up his mistake, it would be all over the media for weeks to come but all Shoma would remember is the loud laugh, the happiness in Yuzurus eyes along with their gaming in his hotel room. He was smitten by the other and as he arrived home, exhausted from the competition, media and whatever else; finally got to lay down in his own bed he wondered when would be the next time he sees Yuzuru. Smiling at himself at the memories he closed his eyes in hope for sleep but his phone buzzed again. Groaning he fished it out of his pocket and looked at the screen.

 

**Yuzu-kun:** SHOMA! I don’t know if I said but congratulations on your medal! You did great. I am proud of you! Gaming was great too! I hope to see you soon!

 

Shoma couldn’t help but grin at his phone, heart beating heavily against his chest. He managed to reply a thank you and that he would like to see Yuzuru soon too. From then on their messages and occasional calls started.


	3. But my sharp thorns will hurt you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Shoma loved competing but he especially enjoyed it if he didn’t have to travel and battle with jetlag. What he didn’t quite like were Nationals. Too many people around, he couldn’t move, eat or breathe the way he preferred. It wasn’t as bad for him as for Yuzuru. The older had it so much worse but Shoma started to feel the pressure slowly increasing, especially now with his bronze medal from the Grand Prix Final._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Yes... this thing still lives. I am alive. Sorry for the late update but I have been struggling with this one a bit. Had to find some info too and it took me a while. My apologies. Probably a rather slow updating one. I do have a generic layout tho and a few more info on the upcoming 4 chapters. So it's not a hopeless case! :P

Shoma loved competing but he especially enjoyed it if he didn’t have to travel and battle with jetlag. What he didn’t quite like were Nationals. Too many people around, he couldn’t move, eat or breathe the way he preferred. It wasn’t as bad for him as for Yuzuru. The older had it so much worse but Shoma started to feel the pressure slowly increasing, especially now with his bronze medal from the Grand Prix Final. He spoke more frequently with Yuzuru too until the other got on a plane to fly out to Sapporo. Shoma casually arrived a day before the first official practice, a bit tired as travel always makes him feel exhausted but at least the jetlag wasn’t present. He knew when Yuzuru would land in Tokyo and around what time he will check into the hotel. He had this fix minute schedule which scared Shoma a bit, hoping he will never get popular enough to plan where he will be when, with whom and if he needs security for it. Shaking his head to brush those thoughts aside he accepts the keycard from Mihoko and with a bow of his head settles into his hotel room. He doesn’t need to speak for her to know that he will probably lay down and take a nap. She informs him that he should make sure to eat dinner and be at 9 a.m by the Lobby so they can go the arena. Shoma sets all the alarms required for this before faceplants into the mattress with his shoes still on his feet.

 

Shoma feels like deja vu when his phone starts ringing next to him and wakes him up from his slumber. Blindly he reaches for the device to turn it off but ends up accepting the call.

 

“Shoma-kun?” Comes the familiar voice and he is awake in a second. He sits up so fast his head is spinning and he has to steady himself. “Shoma-kun? Did you accept again while half asleep?” The amused voice makes him bite his lip.

 

“Maybe...Hello, Yuzu-kun” Yuzuru laughs out loud and Shomas stomach does a weird flip.

 

“Did you have dinner? We could order some room service and play some games if you want? I arrived a while ago but I am not sure I am really sleepy enough.” Yuzuru gets to the point and Shoma glances at the hotel clock, seeing it is later in the evening and that his stomach does feel a bit empty.

 

“Sure, text me your room number and order a steak for me please. I will take a quick shower.” Yuzuru hums on the other side. “Don’t start Yuzu-kun...meat, I want meat.” The older does not say anything but a confirmation with an obvious amusement in his voice, hangs up and a second later his phone lights up with a floor and room number.

 

\----

 

If it’s around 3 a.m he turned to his room to get a few more hours of sleep he is not going to tell anyone about it, especially not Itsuki because he doesn’t need the teasing.

 

His first practice goes decent, he only falls a few times but nothing serious to hurt his ego in front of Yuzuru. 

 

\----

 

Shoma does not remember much of the short program if he is honest as he stares at his score of 93.26 flash on the screen in the Kiss & Cry. Mihoko smiles and squeezes his shoulder, forcing a smile out of him. That’s a good score, of course Yuzuru is better as he soars on the ice with a grace only a true master of this sport can. Shoma feels a hint of jealousy but it pushes him forward to meet the older on the podium. Be better than he is now and carry the weight of Japan a bit on his shoulder. As he knows by now how difficult it is for Yuzuru to be alone up there. He never really complains not to him at least but Shoma sees it in his all too tense shoulders and fake media smiles in front of the cameraman. 

 

With the attention on others rather than him, Shoma enjoys a bit more freedom at the arena with his third place after the short. He can return to the hotel relatively undisturbed, order himself some food and fall face first against his pillow again. He feels exhausted, his thighs burning from the skating today but nothing he is not used to. Two hours later he is woken up by his phone again, gets invited to the olders room and he goes without much consideration, spending a couple of hours gaming with him in his room. They don’t speak much and Shoma leaves after a while to sleep a few hours.

 

\----

 

The morning of the free Shoma feels off, since breakfast. There is something lodged inside his stomach he can’t shake it and Mihoko sees it too. She does her best to ease it out of him, asks if he wants to talk about it or maybe it was the food but he only shakes his head. He doesn’t even know what is the reason for this feeling. He definitely didn’t eat anything unusual. The previous night was great, he played some games with Yuzuru, parted with a smile from the older and slept like a log. Nothing unusual at least not since Barcelona.

 

It hit him during the warm up and he barely managed to save himself from face-planting during a quick step sequence rehearsal. The memory coming back thim and he stopped in the middle of the ice staring at nothing for a minute.

 

_ Brian and Yuzuru walked through the Lobby and Shoma was about to greet Yuzuru when he heard the words from the older. “Brian worry too much. Shoma is little brother. No worry. Concentration is good.” He saw a glimpse of the coaches face twisted in a frown but he must have dropped the topic because the two changed to some talk about quad toe. Shoma may not be fluent in English but he understood enough to have his heart break in two. _

 

“Oh…” He let out as realization really hit. He had been rejected without him actually confessing his feelings to the older. Shoma was nothing more than a little brother to Yuzuru who he spent time with while in the same place. Mihoko snapped him out of his frozen posture with calling his name and he skated over to her, apologizing for having wasted so much time from his warm up time. He quickly did a circle to throw out a triple axel he was having issues with, hoping he can land it in his free.

 

\----

 

Shoma had no idea how he managed to fight all his jumps until he bent over at the end of his free program trying to get inside his lungs. Not the first time he worked on pure muscle memory as his mind was off to other places but still a miracle considering. He felt bone dead exhausted and he had to take a seat at one of the steps outside of the ice to put his guards on, barely registering anything Mihoko was saying to him. The Kiss and Cry felt like a blur of motion too, shock at his score and he couldn’t help but laugh at his coaches surprised expressions as well. Yuzuru was still to skate but he was currently in first place, maybe he managed to stay on the podium. For a moment out there after the deep landing on his triple axel he wondered if he could pull through, his chest feeling tight and not just because of his asthma. He passed by Yuzuru who was in the zone but caught the look Brian gave him. Shoma wished he could just be swallowed by the ground under his feet.

 

\----

 

He felt awkward on the podium accepting his silver medal, next to Yuzuru who was shining brightly, feeling extremely happy with his top finish. Shoma didn’t exactly want to be around the older but he kept it together for the cameras. He was always good with hiding away his real emotions and this was no different.

 

Later when Yuzuru invited him for a last gaming night he politely refused, claiming he wasn’t feeling all too good, maybe because he ate something. After all how do you tell the person who broke your heart that you have a broken heart? Yuzuru sounded disappointed but he didn’t pressure him. Congratulated for his win and left with his frowning coach. Shoma felt bone tired and he buried himself in his hotel sheets the moment he was granted space to be alone, ignoring the worried glances from his coaches.

 

It’s alright, he won’t meet Yuzuru until Worlds, he can try to fix his broken heart until then. If he had some hope it was now purely demolished.

 

“ _ Shoma is little brother. _ ” The words echoed inside his head as he fell asleep, a single tear sliding his cheek.


	4. My love is like a red rose

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Shoma took a few days off after Nationals just to lay in bed, nap and play games on his phone. He ignored most of the messages he had received. His brother would call it moping but it was a way for him to deal with a broken heart. He hasn’t told Itsuki of what really happened at Nationals, how he got his heartbroken but maybe there was no need._

Shoma took a few days off after Nationals just to lay in bed, nap and play games on his phone. He ignored most of the messages he had received. His brother would call it moping but it was a way for him to deal with a broken heart. He hasn’t told Itsuki of what really happened at Nationals, how he got his heartbroken but maybe there was no need. Somehow his younger brother could tell what kind of mood he was in and this particular one didn’t happen so often. There were maybe two instances mostly crushes in his past where things didn’t turn out the way he wanted to but with Yuzuru it has been constant for a while now. Itsuki could see that it was serious now and for a time he kept talking about of the things he spoke with Yuzuru about. Now though it was not present. At the mere mention of the olders name he flinched and changed the subject, or left his brother hanging turning to his game instead. Itsuki asked him openly only one time, just before New Years.

 

“What happened between you and Yuzuru during Nationals? You stopped talking about him and everytime I ask you physically flinch.” Shoma shook his head, biting his lower lip. He didn’t want to talk about it. Itsuki took a hard look at him but dropped the topic. He felt thankful for have a brother like him. That evening he paid for their dinner from his prize money from Nationals. 

 

After the holidays Shoma returned to training hard in preparations for 4CC. All he did was training, eating and gaming. At one point he started to reply to his friends again, even met up with some of them. It probably was the second of week of January when he finally looked into the chat with Yuzuru, dreading the number of unread messages.

 

Yuzu: Congratulations Shoma-kun! You did so well! You will do great at 4CC

Yuzu: I am going back to Toronto in a few days...could we meet?

Yuzu: Shoma?

Yuzu: Are you online?

Yuzu: I guess not...

Yuzu: Well… I am flying out tomorrow...

Yuzu: I guess I will see you at Worlds?

 

Shoma winced. Yuzuru tried to reach out to him over the days between Nationals and New Years, suggested a meeting and he flat out ignored him. It’s been not only days but actually weeks where he left him hanging. Broken heart or not this is not the kind of person he is. He doesn’t just hurt people in return. Taking in a sharp breath he continued to read the messages, slowly seeing how Yuzuru started give up.

 

Yuzu: Shoma are you okay?

Yuzu: - missed call -

Yuzu: I saw you online for a minute, I thought we could talk...

Yuzu: Why are you not answering? Did something happen?

Yuzu: - missed call - 

Yuzu: Did I do something wrong? Keiji says you are okay… please tell me if I did something wrong?

Yuzu: … I… I am sorry...please let me know that you are okay. Just that if nothing else.

 

That message was sent about a week ago, since then Yuzuru had given up, he did not reach out anymore. Shoma felt like a jerk. He really did this. Groaning he planted his face in his pillow and threw a mini tantrum happy that Itsuki was not present at the moment. After his short episode he checked the app and saw that Yuzuru was online. Instead of messaging he hit video call and hoped the other would actually pick up. The few seconds it took Yuzuru to answer felt like years for him.

 

“Shoma-kun? Oh thank God… are you okay?” The words came then a worried looking Yuzuru appeared on the screen and Shoma felt his stomach flip. 

 

“Yuzu-kun. I am so sorry… I didn’t answer you. I just… I am so sorry. I am doing alright. I just. I don’t even know. I am so sorry.” He blurted out, eyes cast down not sure he can actually look at Yuzuru. A video call may have been a mistake. 

 

He heard a sigh coming from his phone and glanced up. Yuzuru looked at him with an unreadable expression. “As long as you are fine. I don’t mind. You are alright?” There was worry in his voice and Shoma nodded.

 

“Yes. I am alright.” Yuzuru nodded at that and dropped the weeks of silence without asking more. For the next hour the two of them spoke about everything and nothing. Shoma felt his heart swelling and he knew he was still as fucked as before. His feelings were the same and maybe friendship was something he could get and felt it was better than nothing.

 

\----

 

After that they did start exchanging messages again but they didn’t call, exchanges were further in between. A kind of reluctance came from Yuzuru, he held back more and gave Shoma more space. While prior to that he was too much, always pushing and bringing him out of his comfort zone. Now he was the contrary. He accepted that sometimes he needed distance, he didn’t always want to talk about his feelings or how his day has been. It didn’t help him trying to move on because now Yuzuru listened, he learned more about him and he worked his way through his quirks just to see him be comfortable. 

 

Shoma approached 4CC in a state of confusion about his emotions. His love was the same but his heart was broken. As to be expected his competition didn’t go quite well but at least Jason, who had been a good friend now for him was there and the two could wallow together in their pain together. Shoma sat at fourth by the end of the event and Jason right behind him. He was thankful to have someone to be with him, understood the disappointment and while their conversations were nothing close to struggling to understand, it was everything he needed in those moments. Jason was kind, always smiled even if he was disappointed with his results. There was something about the constant positivity coming from him that made Shoma smile by the end of the banquet, that squeaky laugh too that he hated so much but meant he enjoyed his time.

 

Sitting in one corner drinking their non alcoholic beverages and playing on Shomas phone, he shut down. For a split moment he didn’t remember his emotions, the confusion that Yuzuru brought in his life. It was laughter, games and a good friend. Jason brought a sense of calmness over him until his messaging app showed a new message from Yuzuru. Shoma nearly dropped his phone, Jason raising a brow at that. Maybe it was the way he looked caught off guard, a hint of pain in his features. That is all it took for Jason to understand.

 

“Oh Shoma-kun…” He whispered softly and placed a comforting hand on his shoulder. Shoma broke down there, soft sobs muffled in his friends shoulder. Shielded from the rest of the party around them he allowed his emotions to come to surface in a way he didn’t let them since Nationals adding the disappointment of his horrible competitions too. Jason didn’t ask question, he just put his arms around him, careful not to overstep and make Shoma uncomfortable. But he was there. Didn’t tell him everything will be alright, he just held him until he calmed down and took out his own phone to find a different game to play so neither of them had to look at the unread messages from Yuzuru. 

 

Shoma didn’t think a “thank you” would be enough to say to Jason for what he had done that evening. Even years later he will try to show his gratitude towards him. Jason was a true friend he felt lucky to have made.

 

\----

 

On the wake of Worlds Championships in Boston, Shoma still struggled with what he was feeling but in a way he had a better control over it. The months physically apart helped him prepare to meet Yuzuru in Boston. They would compete against each other, he would see the older more often, will require to speak to him without the safety net of continents apart. Shoma inhaled, slowly letting the air out of his lungs. Mihoko glanced at him a flash of worry on her features but he just stepped forward, pushing the curtain aside for the first official practice.

 

Shoma felt he could do this. Soon he learned how wrong he was in everything that would happen in Boston.


	5. Yes, I may be fragrant

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Shoma felt ready, he had trained hard for this, it was time for him to show that he deserved his spot on the World Team for Japan. He did everything he could to get this far and his body felt good. There were no lingering pain from any kind of last minute training, even his jet lag was under control. More than usually at least and he was ready for the first practice in a shape he was proud of._

Shoma felt ready, he had trained hard for this, it was time for him to show that he deserved his spot on the World Team for Japan. He did everything he could to get this far and his body felt good. There were no lingering pain from any kind of last minute training, even his jet lag was under control. More than usually at least and he was ready for the first practice in a shape he was proud of. He would lie if it was easy because him being on the same Team as Yuzuru meant that he had to speak with him. Cameras were all around them, asking questions already in advance, wanting statements about what he thinks he is going to achieve here in Boston. For Yuzuru it was worse and Shoma had to fight the urge to wince at some of the questions. Last year he had lost to Javier and he aimed to redeem himself, get his title back. Shoma on the other hand kept his comments to the basics that he will do his best, he trained hard for this and come what may, he will make Japan proud. 

 

At hindsight he should have kept his comments even lower but he can be bitter about that later on.

 

\----

 

It appeared that on the first day of practice both him and Yuzuru were having a good day. Warm up was a bit of an affair was he only found a spot close to the older in the room and he felt a bit awkward. Brian still gave him some weird looks whenever Yuzuru smiled in his direction or spoke to him for longer than a minute. It wasn’t like Yuzuru actually took a lot of time to speak to him as he obviously had a fire in him to win gold, show the world that last year wouldn’t be repeated. If Shoma could have spoken better English he may have asked his coach what his problem with him was, but instead he turned away to concentrate on his stretching. Mihoko caught on the tension after his ice time was over and he at least managed to get some decent practice down. Shoma hardly has ever seen her upset with anyone, a smile ever present on her face but this once she gave Brian a hard look, as if telling him to stop disturbing her student and give attention to his own two. The silent battle of the coaches lasted maybe half a minute before Brian obviously relented and from then on barely gave any attention to Shoma. That night before he retreated to his room to rest he squeezed her arm in his own way of saying thank you.

 

What he didn’t expect to happen after his shower, ready to dive into the bed that looked inviting even if hotel beds weren’t as comfortable as his own back home, was a knock on his door. With a frown on his face he checked before opening, not wanting any uninvited fans to disturb him though those stories were more fitting for Yuzuru. Opening the door ready to ask what the other wanted there only to have him use the opportunity to get inside.

 

“Fans camping at my door, can’t return to my room.” Truly the older was dragging his suitcase along with him and Shoma frowned.

 

“Have you told your coach or JSF about it? Why come here? Brian won’t be too pleased…” He couldn’t help the comment. Yuzuru turned around to frown at him.

 

“They are taking care of it and told me to go somewhere. I can’t go to Javi because we aren’t on the best therms right now and Brian is staying at a hotel nearby. Leaving here would mean more struggle with fans. I thought it was fine for me to come here...should I leave?” The last words came softer, with a hint of worry or uneasiness in Yuzurus tone. Shoma may have had some issues with having his crush who broke his heart and he was trying to get over in his hotel room but his Team-mate needed help. Shrugging he stepped away from the door. 

 

“It’s fine. You can roll your suitcase towards the window, that way it won’t be in the way.”

 

An awkward silence enveloped them with both standing in one corner of the room. Yuzuru shifted on his feet making Shoma raise a brow. It looked like he favoured one leg over the other but tried to keep it subtle. 

 

“Uhm… can I use your bathroom? I haven’t been able to shower since practice and I...don’t know when I can return my room to do so.” Yuzuru asked chewing on his lower lip. Shoma swallowed a few images popping into his head which he quickly brushed aside.

 

“Sure...uhm.. there are some extra towels around and even a toothbrush if you need. Do you have a change of clothes?” Yuzuru nodded.

 

“Yeah…I always have at least one pair of clothes extra with me...you know…” His voice faded something flashing in his features and Shoma understood instantly. He let Yuzuru take his clothes out and vanish inside the bathroom. In his room with the sound of the shower running he tried not to panic because possibly right this moment the person he loved stood inside his shower. Shoma buried his face in his hands. He definitely wasn’t over his emotions.   
  


Shoma moved back to sit against his headboard and took out his phone to pre-occupy his mind rather than be creepy and listen to the noise coming from the bathroom. Yuzuru emerged in comfy sweatpants and a big t-shirt on his frame, drying his silky hair with a towel. His skin looked flushed from the heat and Shoma stared at him. Yuzuru raised his head and flashed a sweet smile in his direction.

 

“Thank you, I needed that. What are you playing?” He asked walking over to lean in and take a glimpse to the screen. Shoma caught the scent of his own shampoo on Yuzuru and he shivered. “Oh, it’s the game we played last time. Wow...you already advanced that far? I am definitely behind.” A small pout formed on his lips and Shoma couldn’t help but chuckle.

 

“Well, I like to play every waking minute, you on the other hand spend that time watching your performances to analyse every second in ten times slow motion.” Yuzuru grinned at that but did not deny, he looked more like a kid caught but not feeling apologetic about his actions. 

Yuzuru packed up his things, took the towel back to the bathroom and the two ended up settling against the headboard playing the game until there was a knock on the door. Shoma shuffled out of bed to check who it was, swallowing hard when he saw it was Brian. Great, that is really what he needed right now. Taking a breath to steady himself he opened the door. The Canadian coaches lips formed a thin line.

 

“The fans are gone. Yuzuru can return to his room.” Shoma blinked not really getting what he was saying but the older took that chance to pop up next to him.

 

“Okay Brian. Take things and we go.” Retreating to the room he grabbed his suitcase, all the while Shoma standing there like a stone. Passing by him he felt a squeeze to his arm, a gentle smile from Yuzuru along with thankful words he vanished with his coach down the corridor. Letting the door shut behind him he stood there for a few minutes. Glancing at his bed he saw the rumbled side where Yuzuru half laid a few minutes ago. His room felt empty now, he felt empty. 

 

He didn’t sleep that well that night.

 

\----

 

Shoma doesn’t know how but he survived the second day or practice, going into the short program later with something of an automatic setting. Even as he sat in the Kiss and Cry and looked at his scores he felt a bit lost in his thoughts. Since that night he had kept his eyes on Yuzuru again and more and more he felt things were off with him. His practice was borderline horrible, during the warm up his costume has issues with the zipper and it obviously threw the older off. In retrospect he should have concentrated more on himself because maybe than he wouldn’t be fourth after the short. Regardless of the issues Yuzuru soared during his performance landing him at first place with almost 20 points higher than his own. Shoma sighed feeling defeated even with Mihoko telling him that the free could change everything. Somehow he didn’t quite believe it would be possible for him to cross so many points. There were too many before him with good advantages.

 

\----

 

After the media chewed on him for hours and finally gave him mercy, Shoma could return to his room only to groan at a knock on his door.

 

“What now?” He snapped the moment the door opened coming face first with Yuzuru. The older got startled and jumped a bit too. Shoma instantly felt bad. “I---sorry… I thought it’s JSF or the media somehow…” Yuzuru stared at him shaking his head.

 

“It’s alright. I mean… I can leave if you are not… I just wanted to check on you. You okay?” Shoma felt something twist in his chest, swallowing.

 

“I will be… there is still the free, right?” Yuzuru nodded again giving him a reassuring smile.

 

“Yes. You can do it. We will both do well. I will leave you to rest just had to make sure you are okay. Sleep well Shoma-kun.” With a slight bow the older turned around to leave. Shoma watched until he vanished behind a corner, confused of what had just happened. Later when he finally felt sleep coming to him he recalled their short exchange, taking in the details and finally seeing how Yuzuru limped across the corridor back to his room. Shoma fell asleep with worry, promising himself to check on the older the following day.


	6. But the closer you get, the more I’ll hurt you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _The morning didn’t go as he planned, it turned out he only had his green costume and he hated it. He didn’t tell Mihoko yet but something about that costume didn’t sit well with him. If he would voice his distaste everyone would tease him because it is the color of vegetables which he is known to not like. Shoma sighed and ignored it, he still had a practice and warm up to go through before his actual program. He had to set priorities._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: This one wasn't beta-read because I just wanted to yeet it out. Excuse any errors!

The morning didn’t go as he planned, it turned out he only had his green costume and he hated it. He didn’t tell Mihoko yet but something about that costume didn’t sit well with him. If he would voice his distaste everyone would tease him because it is the color of vegetables which he is known to not like. Shoma sighed and ignored it, he still had a practice and warm up to go through before his actual program. He had to set priorities.

 

Shoma tried to empty his mind as he did his warm up exercises, even deprived himself of his usual gaming while laying on his mat. He felt distracted and when Yuzuru walked in his attention completely shifted towards him. The nagging feeling from last night still there, he tried to analyse the olders movements. Something was off with him but it appeared that none of his team actually knew about his condition because Yuzuru even put up a face in front of them. Shomas frown only deepened and he wanted to approach to ask. At the same time he still feared Brian and he had to get his head in the right place. Shoma failed. During practice he kept messing up and watching out for Yuzuru, seeing how he also seemed to struggle. After the practice he swallowed all his nerves and just approached Yuzuru. The older gave him a weird look but followed him in a secluded corner.

 

“How bad is it?” Shoma asked. There was no need to play it nice, to beat around the bush and Yuzuru shrank back a bit from him, ready to bolt. Shoma reached out on instinct wrapping his hand around his thin wrist. “How bad is it Yuzu?” 

 

“It’s...it’s not good.” Yuzuru finally answered after what felt like hours. “It may be may last…” He didn’t need to finish the sentence because Shoma understood, breath hitching. He slowly released Yuzurus wrist to take his hand instead. He doesn’t know what came over him but he wanted to give some kind of comfort. A weak smile appeared on the others face and he felt a small squeeze to his fingers before they were released. “It’s fine. I will just do what I can and so should you Sho. Don’t worry about me.” The new nickname sent a shiver down his spine and heat to his cheeks but he ignored it. “We should return… we don’t have too long and we should keep our muscles warmed up.”

 

Shoma nodded dumbly following Yuzuru back to their area where both their coaches were waiting with crossed arms. Dipping his head he walked to Mihoko and listened to her instructions knowing he shouldn’t have vanished let alone with Yuzuru.

 

\----

 

In retrospect Shoma knows he did a pitiful job at keeping his thoughts away from what Yuzuru told him. It shouldn’t mess with his concentration and he also knows that the other didn’t admit to him to cause him troubles either. He had asked and he got a straight answer which tended to be a rare case with Yuzuru. In his warm up he managed to get himself back up thinking he will do good in his free only to crumble during the actual program. Shoma felt proud of saving his flip but then the fall shook him to the core. The collision with the ice literally knocked the breath out of him and all throughout the rest of his program he felt the pain. His breathing was off and everything crumbled. If he had the possibility he would have escaped without bowing or waiting for his score. He stumbled with the help of Mihoko to the Kiss & Cry the tears falling in two seconds. Shoma couldn’t nor did he want to hold back his utter disappointment for the miserable performance he put out. The replay made it thousand times worse. If he was honest he doesn’t even remember his exact score only the number six next to his name. With the number of skaters remaining he will probably drop down to seven at least. Shoma literally ran backstage into a locker room to cry his heart out, ignoring any responsibility. 

 

He came out just in time to see Yuzuru struggling through his own program and receiving his scores. Shoma felt pain for the older, knowing that he was injured, this being maybe his last chance to skate with how bad it appeared to be but he is taking silver instead of his beloved gold. He knew from the beginning that his chances for some kind of podium placement were low but seeing the light dim in Yuzurus eyes was more painful. He bit down on his lip so hard he tasted copper.

 

By luck or maybe because of his family to be closer to the top the media let him go soon, only needed to give a few interviews. With the Gala the next day he was more than happy to escape to his room but somehow even his games and a possible nap could not distract him from thinking of Yuzuru. It caused him to stare at their chat window for a long time, wondering if he should say something. He got taken from his inner struggle by the sound of a firm knock on his door. Shoma pushed the covers off and opened the door.

 

“Yuzu…” He gasped out. The older stood in front of him obviously in his sleep attire, fidgeting and leaning to either side to ease the pressure of his legs. Shoma stepped aside to invite him without further comment. Yuzuru stepped inside albeit he looked hesitant. He stopped in front of the unmade bed and he turned to look at Shoma, obviously an apology on his lips but Shoma simply shook his head taking his hand and leading him to the side he did not occupy yet. “You should lay down and rest…” Shoma didn’t understand where this all came from him but he worried about Yuzuru. 

 

Yuzuru sat down on the bed and looked up at him from under his long bands. There was sadness and disappointment in his eyes but they looked beautiful and bright too. Shoma swallowed, stepping closer to him and ran a gentle hand across his cheek. “You can stay here as long as you want.” Yuzuru hummed, the air changing around them, charged with tension. Shoma felt the shift since this afternoon where they held hands for a split second. He got pulled closer with long fingers pressing into his hips and he had to stop himself from shivering. The fingers burned even through his clothes. Yuzurus eyes watched his face carefully and he felt the color coming to his cheek.

 

“Sho…” Yuzuru whispered, pulling him to fully stand between his legs. Shoma wrapped his arms around his neck and swallowed. His mind ran at high speed but at the same time stood still not sure what the next moment would bring. Yuzurus right hand traveled up his spine and Shoma couldn’t hide the small shiver running through his body. If he didn’t keep his eyes locked with the olders he may have missed that flicker, a small change in his gaze. Drawn to him he leaned down the same moment the older moved upwards. Their lips brushed, a feather-light touch but it set fire to every inch of his body. Gaining courage he moved closer and so did Yuzuru, pressing their lips together firmly. Shoma moved on instinct his brain completely shutting down. The other wrapped his arms around him tighter and gently nibbled on his lower lip causing him to gasp. Yuzuru used that as his opportunity to deepen the kiss and Shoma melted against him, burying his fingers in straight black strands.

 

Shoma lost track of time as they kissed, breaking apart a few times to gasp for air but soon leaning in for more. His heart hammered against his chest, small shivers running through his body. At one point they did pull away to rest their foreheads together, breaths remaining close.

 

“I...I...should go.” Yuzuru whispered and the bubble broke apart. Shoma scrambled off his lap not even remembering when and how he ended up sitting on it instead of standing between his legs. The flush on his cheeks turned darker.

 

“Oh yeah… uhm…” Shoma didn’t know what to say opting to stare at the floor instead. He felt a gentle touch to his cheek. Raising his eyes he met with a pair of sad ones, feeling a stone settling in his stomach where the butterflies moved a few seconds ago. He swallowed hard.

 

“Good night, Sho.” Yuzuru said pressing a kiss to his forehead and then limped out of his room; leaving him standing there confused of what just happened.


	7. Don’t look at me with that light glance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Shoma wakes up to the alarm he does not remember setting. Then it all comes back to him. It was meant to be for Gala practice but somewhere between the time Yuzuru left his room and him managing to fall asleep he forgot he wasn’t invited to perform. Mihoko sent him a message too but he forgot about it all._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Yes, I am alive and so is this work tbh. I have written all chapters so maybe there will be more regular updates, especially since the season is starting.

Shoma wakes up to the alarm he does not remember setting. Then it all comes back to him. It was meant to be for Gala practice but somewhere between the time Yuzuru left his room and him managing to fall asleep he forgot he wasn’t invited to perform. Mihoko sent him a message too but he forgot about it all. At first they did think of flying out but he had a vague recollection that they had follow-up plans. Didn’t recall what it was though so they decided to just stay for an additional day. In the end he forgot to turn off the alarm and now here he was awake way too early without needing to. 

 

He could have gone back to sleep and just lay in his hotel bed all day; maybe catch up on his games but he pushed his tired body out of the comfort of the warm sheets. He shivered as the covers fell off, hurrying to the bathroom to jump under a warm spray of water. As he washed his body his felt his chest, a bit tender to the touch, definitely due to his hard fall. Shoma noted to maybe let his trainer have a quick check on it, in case it was something more serious but he didn’t felt so for now.

 

Pulling on fresh clothes and taking his phone Shoma dragged himself down to the cafeteria. Since it was still early he did not need to hurry with eating breakfast. A few skaters were sitting either in groups or in secluded corners. He had seen some who had placed worse than him. They appeared to be occupied with licking their wounds and Shoma could all but relate to that feeling. With a sigh he grabbed some bacon, eggs, and some toast; sitting down at an empty table. He felt too tired to try converse in English, along with his brain trying to make sense of what had happened last night. Lost in his thoughts he did not realize someone sat at his table until he heard an amused chuckle. 

 

Shoma turned his head to see the warm but amused face of Javier. “Huh?” He spoke not so eloquently and Javier laughed again. 

 

“You really don’t do well with mornings? I have been sitting here for at least 15 minutes.” He spoke slowly knowing that Shomas English is much worse than Yuzurus. Shoma did need a minute to decode the words, his mind definitely not working with him.

 

“Oh...sorry.” He said in the end poking at his remaining slice of bacon.

 

Javier shakes his head the smile on his face never leaving. Shoma always had this impression of the Spaniard, smiling and being nice to everyone. But he also knew that he must feel extra happy because he won gold again.

 

“Congratulations on win.” Shoma hastily adds and Javier bows at him slightly.

 

“Thank you. I am really happy about this win. I didn’t think I could.” Something flickers in his expression and Shoma wonders what it is but before he has a chance to ask the other goes on. “Are you staying to watch the Gala?” Shoma frowns at that as he is not sure if he is.

 

“Maybe, I thought maybe to perform. Didn’t...I go…” Shoma doesn’t know how to put the words together so he takes out his phone to use a translator, showing the screen to Javier after he typed his reply.

 

**I am traveling from here, some training plans I think, before Team Challenge Cup. Forgot details. To not fight jet-lag so much I am staying at least on the continent.**

 

The Spaniard nods in agreement. “That’s clever actually.”

 

“You?” Shoma asks. “You fly home after Gala?” Javier nods at the question.

 

“I have media and I would like to see my family too. Celebrate. So yeah, early morning off to Madrid.” Their conversations stops there because the voice of Brian calls for the older from across the room.

 

“Javi, come or we are going to miss the shuttle.” Javier cursed under his breath, picking up his empty plate to drop it off at the collection cart.

 

“Sorry, Shoma. I hope you come see the Gala. Maybe see you later?” Shoma nods though he hadn’t quite understood his words as they were spoken faster than usual and he still struggled with that accent. Javier waved and hurried to his coach, leaving Shoma in an almost empty room. With a sigh he pushed himself up from his chair, considering going back to his room to play some games.

 

Maybe two hours pass then a knock on his door disturbs his gaming. He opens the door to see Mihoko standing there with a gentle expression. She hands him tickets for the Gala and tells him to change in more than sweats. They are going to see it together. Shoma wants to protest but then he remembers the words of Yuzu. 

 

**_“It may be may last…”_ **

 

He agrees to meet her in an hour in the lobby. 

 

\----

 

Slipping into the arena turned out to be less of an obstacle than he thought. A mask was more than enough on his part. Mihoko and him found their seats easily, the short side to where the skaters would take the ice for their performance. He always liked these seats because he can watch each person preparing before taking the ice. It could give him a few more minutes to watch Yuzuru too. Shoma rarely has the chance to watch a Gala in an actual seat rather than from backstage. It gives a different perspective and it is nice he had to admit. He cheers stronger for Mao, loving that he can see her skate, for Satoko as well. Before he knows it there is a sparkly green costume and a very familiar outline by the boards. Shomas breath hitches and he is happy that Mihoko does not comment on that by his side.

 

Shomas hands form fist in his lap as the anticipation grows. Yuzuru takes the ice and he feels like his whole world is only that lone figure on the ice. He tunes out everyone around him, only eyes for him. Knowing what he does the whole performance takes on a different meaning, the longing and each movement has more emotion than any other time. Shoma sees how Yuzuru is saying goodbye until he knows what his recovery is going to bring for him; if there is a future at all on ice. Tears spring to his eyes and he whimpers. He so wishes he could just walk up to the older and wrap his arms around him in comfort. It is not his place to do that though. Shoma has no idea what their relationship is now, where they stand with each other and while they did show support towards each others careers this is something else. It is so much more he may be able to give. 

 

Countless of emotions are running through him. Yuzurus skating always evokes something in him, his portrayal of each music piece showing raw emotions. Today it is stronger than ever. Shomas heart is hammering against his chest, tears streaming down his face, hidden away by the mask he still wore. He is so lost in the performance he doesn’t realize when it is finally finished and Yuzuru is taking his bows. 

 

The rest of the Gala goes by in a blur, him suspended somewhere in Requiem. He follows Yuzuru during the finale, sees how he puts on a show, dancing to the music, swaying his body but his eyes do not hold the same kind of passion. They are different, dimmed from the usual happiness. 

 

And Shoma knows, maybe as the only one in the whole arena. It floods him with warmth for knowing but also concern of what the future brings for Yuzuru. Both of them. He can’t imagine competitions with Yuzuru. He doesn’t want to.

 

\----

 

Shoma returns to his hotel room, taking his phone thinking that maybe he should write or call Yuzuru but what can he say in this moment? He feels lost and instead of some empty words he doesn’t say anything. 


	8. Don’t speak of love easily

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Finally Worlds was over and Shoma could breathe for a short time, he thought he could return to Japan and continue training but there was a new fire inside of him. He needed something else, something more and Mihoko could see it inside of him maybe much more in advance but his failure in Boston it burned stronger._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: no beta reading or correcting took place for this one. My apologies for any mistakes. Somehow my mood wasn't fitting to do any of that. Maybe another time.

Finally Worlds was over and Shoma could breathe for a short time, he thought he could return to Japan and continue training but there was a new fire inside of him. He needed something else, something more and Mihoko could see it inside of him maybe much more in advance but his failure in Boston it burned stronger. The day after the Gala as he tried to fit all his belongings in his suitcase again, Mihoko came into his room to inform him that he is going to train in Toronto until the Team Challenge Cup. Shoma froze in his spot and stared at her.

 

“Toronto?”

 

“Yes, the Cricket Club, as we discussed a long time ago. You wanted to work on your flip remember? We are lucky they decided to make some time for you in between the competitions you still have. It is going to be a good experience for you. Ghislain is a good coach for jumps, he can teach you a few new things. Also if you are sticking to this continent it may be less straining for you with jetlag.” Shoma felt his world slipping out from under his feet. Toronto and the Cricket Club meant Yuzuru. He possibly was going back after Worlds to take ground with his coaches and maybe about his recovery. Shoma didn’t yet because since the night they kissed they haven’t really spoken to each other. He did see the performance of Requiem and the way Yuzuru moved on the ice, the hint of loss and an uncertain future. Shoma wasn’t sure if him going to where he usually trains is going to be a good idea. Opening his mouth to maybe voice his concern to Mihoko he looked at her and instantly shut up. There were so many emotions dancing in her eyes and some of them he knew he felt himself. He didn’t have the time to be worried about feelings or kisses, he had competitions to do and medals to win still in this season. If his chance to land his quad flip is going to increase by one percent, he will take it.

 

“Right. I forgot. So we are flying to Toronto right away?” He asked masking his inner struggle. Mihoko nodded giving him the details again, with a patience of a saint. She knew him now better than anyone, how he tended to forget things and he may need more reminders than a normal person. Mihoko smiled at him and said he should be at the lobby in an hour so they can leave on time. She will accompany him with his manager as his English was still lacking. 

 

Shoma showed everything in his suitcase after that, not caring about any resemblance of order. He blanket out through the whole process of checking out, taking a tax to the airport, security check-in until they were by the gate. There sitting a bit slumped was a figure he could recognize anywhere. Ready to bolt, body half turned away, but to his dismay the older took that moment to look up and lock eyes with him. Shoma cursed inwardly because he felt how heat appeared on his cheeks. The memories of their kiss flooding his mind. Yuzuru wore a face mask but his eyes creased in a way they only do when he was smiling. Putting his phone in his lap he signaled Shoma to come closer. Glancing at Mihoko who smiled gently at him, he inhaled, straightening his posture and took the seat Yuzuru made room for next to him.

 

Silence enveloped them, neither really speaking as they waited for boarding the plane. Brian came by once to confirm a few things with Yuzuru which Shoma didn’t even attempt to understand. He did give a look towards him but it wasn’t something hostile like before. Technically Shoma was going to their club for the next one or two weeks to train, it wouldn’t be the best if Brian kept his behaviour. When the others coach left he let out a breath, Yuzuru raising a brow beside him.

 

“What is it?” He spoke for the first time since Shoma sat down next to him.

 

“He doesn’t seem to like me and he puts me on the edge.” Shoma admitted fiddling with his phone to distract himself.

 

“Brian? You sure?” Shoma shrugged at that, kind of uncomfortable with the topic as it reminded him of what Yuzuru said to his coach not too long ago, then the kiss they shared and it confused him too much. He was tired and disappointed from the competition, he was trying to ignore the emotional parts. 

  
“Okay.” Yuzuru must have felt how he didn’t want to talk about it because he didn't press further. Later at boarding he asked where his seat was and somehow managed to rearrange half of their entourage so the two could sit next to each other throughout the flight.

 

The flight passed by faster than Shoma ever felt any of his travels to go, even if Itsuki went with him a couple of times. He even managed an half an hour of sleep before they landed in Toronto. At arrival the groups parted, Yuzuru squeezing his arm briefly with a promise to see each other after a day of rest at the club. They still didn’t address what happened between them and Shoma wondered if they ever will.

 

\----

 

“YOU KISSED YUZURU HANYU?” Itsuki screamed over the phone and Shoma had to move the device away from his face because it hurt at the volume.

 

“Technically we kissed each other but yeah… I don’t know what it means. He kind of ran away after and while we ended up taking the same plane to Toronto and he forced Brian to sit elsewhere so we can sit together; he hasn’t said anything.” Shoma said sighing out loud, gazing out of his hotel window with a solemn expression.

 

“Oh Shoma…You really are in love with him?” Itsuki asked softly and Shoma nodded his head. First step to a road of recovery - or forgetting in his case - is admission.

 

\----

 

The first day at Cricket is spent mostly with planning, meetings with each coach and creating a plan for the next week and a half. On that day he doesn’t meet Yuzuru as they have spoken about, he overhears a conversation where Brian mentions that he is at the hospital for a check-up. Shoma would be lying if he wasn’t a bit disappointed at that. He knows he probably won’t even share the ice with the older given his physical status. Somewhere in the afternoon he does get permission to join the stroking practice to get a feeling for the ice but jump training would be start the next day.

 

\----

 

Four days pass before Shoma actually sees Yuzuru in the club. Not that he had been counting. It is on his lunch break which he spends in the lounge ordering himself a big steak and enjoys before any of his afternoon trainings. His jumps have improved and he is feeling really happy. He is looking out at the group currently on the ice when he hears someone clearing their throat. Raising his head he is met with a hesitant Yuzuru.

 

“Hi, Sho…” Shoma literally gapes because he did not expect the older to just casually pop up like this. 

 

“Uhm...hi.” Yuzuru points to the chair across from him and Shoma nods dumbly. The other takes a seat though moves more carefully than any other time he had seen him.

 

“How is training going?” Yuzuru asks and they talk a few minutes about how things are progressing. Shoma not having the need to hide anything from him and he is rewarded with the same. Yuzuru telling him a bit about his condition and how long his rehab may take but at least it is not as hopeless as he felt in Boston. Shoma feels relieved to know that maybe the future on competitive ice still holds Yuzuru. “Uhm… would you like to maybe spend some time together later today? I got a new game and maybe we can…” Shoma blinks a few times overtaken by surprise as he knows this is not something Yuzuru does with his training mates but also is he considered like any other skater the older surrounds himself with? A quick flash of the kiss comes to mind, the topic they still avoided talking about but he quickly brushes it away and agrees.

 

\----

 

From then on each evening after Shoma finishes his training they meet in his hotel room, playing games for an hour or two then it turns into something else. There is that moment where the mood changes and they lean in at the same time. Shoma lost count of how many times they have kissed over the course of a single evening let along the next five or so days. Yuzuru leaves him breathless with each kiss and sometimes there are wondering hands but they don’t go any further. They also do not talk about what is happening between them. Shoma accepted to what it is and stopped himself from asking, knowing how fragile this balance is. On the last night he spends in Toronto Yuzuru doesn’t come over, he doesn’t answer the inquiry Shoma sends his way either. He throws his phone away from himself as he lay in bed and turns the other way, trying to hold back his tears; failing miserably. 

 

\----

 

At the Team Challenge Cup he lands the first quad flip in competitions and he is high on the adrenaline. It wasn’t perfect as he wished it to be but it was good enough. Later that night when he checks his phone there is a message from Yuzuru.

 

**Yuzu: Congratulations! Your training has been paying off. Good job, Sho.**

 

Shoma didn’t reply. 

 


	9. If you want my heart, you need to take my pain too

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Summer passes faster than Shoma can comprehend. After his season was over, ice shows started and he had some fun. But after the ice shows also being over he started training for the upcoming season. His resting time was short and far in between, something he preferred over the course of the years. Too much rest always caused his performance to drop, so he learned not to rest too much._

Summer passes faster than Shoma can comprehend. After his season was over, ice shows started and he had some fun. But after the ice shows also being over he started training for the upcoming season. His resting time was short and far in between, something he preferred over the course of the years. Too much rest always caused his performance to drop, so he learned not to rest too much. Lombardia Trophy came fast, and there he swept his first gold of the season, sending him on a high; giving him confidence for his competitions.

 

At the airport after the competition as he waited to board his plane back to Japan he looks through his unread messages. There were a couple of unread from the chat with Yuzuru and he opened them with slight hesitation. Over the the summer time they did exchange a couple of messages, called each other even but they both ignored the elephant in the room. Yuzuru didn’t speak about what happened between them in Boston or Toronto and Shoma struggled enough already with his feelings. Not speaking about it helped him forget the fact that he could receive a rejection. Yuzuru kept running hot and cold, it made him feel confused, messing with his concentration between practices.

 

The usual congratulatory message awaits him when he finally opens the chat and he says his mandatory ‘thank you’. There is not much else he can say other than mention he is returning now to Japan and he will do his best at Japan Open for his country. 

 

\----

 

His gold strike continues. His Team gets Gold at Japan Open and at Skate America he gets another one for himself. Shoma is experiencing something new and he likes it. Maybe that is why he makes mistakes in the end as he gets only silver at Rostelecom. He still qualifies for the Final and he is happy to some extent, his Team and coaches too but he loses himself a bit. 

 

Shoma flies to Marseille with a promise to himself to do his best, redeem whatever he had lost at the end of his GP assignments. Rostelecom silver was good but he is getting tired of all the silver medals, he wants gold. He is hungry for that color though he is also not delusional. There is Javier, Yuzuru, upcoming Nathan and also Patrick. The final is going to be a strong competition for him. How he managed to qualify in the end makes him wonder if he is ready for this; if he has a chance to podium at all. If they all do clean skates it will be difficult and Shoma did not wish to repeat Boston. He needs strong and clean programs to have a chance. He can’t allow himself to make too many mistakes. Even one mistake can cost him the podium placement.

 

\----

 

Shomas short program contained that one mistake he didn’t want to make, a heavy fall that knocked the air out of his lungs again. The rest of the program felt like it would never end. It was a pure miracle he didn’t completely tip over after his ending pose, all remaining energy leaving his body. Shoma had to stumble towards the gate and let Mihoko help him to the Kiss and Cry, where he would have been more than happy to lay down and not move for a while. Though his skate did not go as well as he planned the laughter with Mihoko about his lost balance listed his mood a little bit. 

 

He had the chance to watch Yuzuru skate and he felt for the older. Shoma knew how badly Yuzuru wanted to skate that short clean but he barely saved his quad toe, it was enough for him to go into first place and Shoma ended at 4th with a big margin he had to fight in his free, along with Patrick and Javier in front of him. He knew it wouldn’t be easy but it turned out to be a bit harder than that.

 

That evening he did something he doesn’t usually do; he watched a previous skate of his, going through the movements of Loco before going to bed. Hoping that it would help him feel more concentrated for the free skate.

 

\----

 

During the practice session Shoma decided to do an almost completely runthrough and it didn’t give him the amount of confidence he was hoping for. He almost missed his quad flip and it was too much of a close call for him. It didn’t help that he kept feeling Yuzurus eyes on his, though the older always kept a good distance between them. Since they have arrived they have not spoken. Yuzuru was going through his cold, competitive moods and Shoma was too occupied with his own performance to give it too much attention. It did feel weird but they were at the final and he wanted a medal. He had to give up on gold because for that the distance was too hard to climb up from but silver or bronze were in his reach if he went clean.

 

\----

 

Since the practice didn’t go as well as he planned and the talk with Mihoko did not quite help either, Shoma decided to find a quiet corner for himself in the warm up room and take a nap. Laying down on his mat he was asleep in mere minutes and when he woke up he felt a warm presence next to him. Blinking his eyes open he turned towards the source of heat to see Yuzuru leaning against the wall next to him, headphones in. Shoma jolted right awake, pulling himself up in a seating position, hands rubbing at his tired eyes.

 

“Yuzu?” His voice sounded deeper than usual, a sign he wasn’t fully awake yet.

 

“Good morning sleepy head...you better start warming up. We are up soon.” Yuzuru pushed himself away from the wall. “Mihoko asked me to wake you in 5 minutes if you didn’t wake up. Also she went to fetch you some water.” Shoma felt confused. Why would Yuzuru stay behind during a competition and make sure he wakes up on time to warm up before the free?

 

“Uhm...thank you.” He managed to recall his manners, earning a chuckle and a small wave before Yuzuru trotted over to his own mat to continue with his weird exercises.

 

Shoma found it a bit harder to concentrate, his mind wondering why Yuzuru would do that, during competitions he barely gave other skaters attention and given how unhappy he looked with his short; it made the situation more weird.

 

\----

 

Skating first in a group was nobody's favourite thing to do because they had to wait until the other skaters were done to know exactly what their results would be; if they end up on the podium or not. It played with his nerves but he had set himself a goal, he would do a good skate and aim for a medal. With that mindset he powered through his skate, pushing himself further than he had done before, his opening quad flip not betraying him like in his run-through. It helped him go through each element, with a clear head, concentrating on them one-by-one. Before Shoma knew it he took his finishing pose. Breathing out he reached up to touch his face not believing that he did that with Loco. He felt a thousand times lighter than he did prior his performance. Adrenaline cruising through his veins he sat down with Mihoko in the Kiss and Cry, smiling and giggling. He felt good and when he saw his new Seasons Best score of 195.69, he felt even better. It was a nice score, something he could work with.

 

Retreating to the back and finding his seat in the improvised green room he wiped his face with a towel, watching each skater go after him. Some had bad skates, some had worse. Shoma winced here and there, feeling sad for Patrick and Javier who had good shorts programs but faltered in the free.

 

Even Yuzuru had a hard time during his free with Hope & Legacy. Shoma particularly found it to be a beautiful program, the music a good choice. Yuzuru made several mistakes, missed his combo and popped a Lutz at the end. It would be a close call for him to win and the expression on his face in the Kiss & Cry told the same. Shoma could see on his face how he started to do the math already.

 

In the end though it was enough for him to win gold, Nathan got silver and by miracle or as Mihoko told him, his own hard work, Shoma got a bronze medal at the Final. Mihoko hugged him backstage and told him how proud she was, Shoma felt proud of himself too.

 

\----

 

If Shoma could describe the victory ceremony in Marseille, he would call it: challenging. The organisation made him question a few things. It looked like a mess and Shoma was someone who was more than familiar with that state of mind. Here though he saw a whole new level. It was so ridiculous he couldn’t help but laugh at it until he saw Yuzuru jumping on that disco podium and it wobbled under him. Then Shoma winced and hoped he could get up there without falling over and completely embarrass himself.

 

Nathan followed next, he obviously playing it more on the careful side, with how he got up on the podium. Shoma tried to sneak towards the edge of the carpet on the ice, the laughter of the audience making him aware that he was on the screen and he laughed feeling a bit embarrassed. He caught Yuzurus amused expression before he took the ice to take his bows. As always he approached the gold medalist to shake his hand but Yuzuru pulled him in for a hug. An awkward one at best because Shoma did not expect that. He quickly brushed it off to shake Nathans hand and climb, very carefully, onto the podium.

 

Yuzuru turned to him. “Is your podium also wobbly?” Shoma looked at him and wiggled around feeling as the whole thing moved under him. He tried his best not to make a face, instead laughed and nodded. Both of them erupted in laughter for a minute. It felt good to laugh a bit together, given the lack of conversation or time together they spend over the course of this competition. The announcer spoke to say it was time for the Japanese anthem but both Yuzuru and Shoma twisted and turned to see the flag. Confusion was written all over their faces but then the it started and Yuzuru quickly brushed it off. Shoma while the anthem was not playing for him, mouthed along the words, always respectful towards their National anthem. The music stopped and Yuzuru turned towards him.

 

“Do you want to get married?” He asked and Shoma broke out in giggles without meaning to. It was now an inside joke between the two of them and he playfully linked his arm with Yuzuru. It lasted maybe two seconds but the whole stadium laughed at them. Shomas cheeks flushed but luckily the cameras did not catch it, or he could easily blame it on the cold air in the arena. Yuzuru invited Nathan and him on top of the podium which all three of them contemplated not to do for a second, given how wobbly it was but somehow managed and when the mandatory pictures were taken, quickly got off. Neither wanted to risk to tumble over and hit their head on the ice just because the French Fed couldn’t spend a few extra Euros for a solid podium.

 

Everything after that went by like a blur to Shoma, more pictures got taken, Yuzuru joked about how light the medals were and he laughed along. He started to feel the exhaustion and the older made him feel confused again. His hands touched him whenever they could, even if it wasn’t exactly necessary, spoke to him more than to Nathan, laughing and smiling. Shoma felt that familiar tug in his heart and he needed to get away. He was saved by media and photographers. The moment they stepped off the ice, Yuzuru got swept away and Shoma as discreetly as possible slipped backstage too.

 

The medal ceremony was the last time he saw Yuzuru in Marseille. Deep down he felt a bit of disappointment but he also felt relieved. He didn’t need to figure out what their relationship was. At least not for now.


	10. Because you will be pricked by my thorns someday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Shoma looked forward to Nationals. It was a good competition even if his performance had to be perfect for 4CC and Worlds selection. He liked that competition since it meant he could meet with so many Japanese skaters, who he rarely meets otherwise. Competing on International level did make it difficult to meet with his countrymen._

Shoma looked forward to Nationals. It was a good competition even if his performance had to be perfect for 4CC and Worlds selection. He liked that competition since it meant he could meet with so many Japanese skaters, who he rarely meets otherwise. Competing on International level did make it difficult to meet with his countrymen. In Seniors they were also more competitive than Juniors was for him. A completely new environment but at Nationals they were all kinds of age and categories, performing to the best of their abilities.

 

It felt nice to see the up-and coming generations too, getting a feeling towards their abilities and preparing once they join his circuit. Shoma also knew it would mean him meeting with Yuzuru again. They picked up conversation shortly after Marseille, the cold phase of the older gone. A week before the competition though the messages and calls suddenly cut off and Shoma felt confused. Then the announcement popped up and his excitement vanished completely.

 

**“Yuzuru Hanyu withdraws from All Japan Championship due to the flu.”**

 

Shoma stared at his phone for several minutes, the screen turning black after a minute or two but he couldn’t rip his gaze away from the device.  _ ‘Oh that explains a lot.’ _ He said to himself. He is not further time to contemplate the situation, as Itsuki barged into his room to drag him out to eat at their favourite restaurant. It was a sudden decision of the younger, he doesn’t have the energy to question that moment. Later he feels his brother did all that knowing Shoma saw news and if not dragged out to get distracted, he would have a sour mood for days.

 

\----

 

With Yuzuru not being among the competing skaters the whole event went by for Shoma as a blur of movement. Media expected more of him, which made him feel more exhausted at the end of each evening. He spent whatever time he could hiding in his hotel room, playing on his phone or having his much needed sleep. Never ever did he feel more exhausted than during this event, the pressure strong on his shoulders. Shoma wondered how Yuzuru could do this on a daily basis, at each competition. The amount of media and fans swirling around him was overwhelming. He missed Yuzuru immensely because when he was present, the attention got diverted from himself. 

 

After the announcement he had messaged Yuzuru, wishing him quick recovery and asking if he was feeling alright but he didn’t get a reply. Not until he had the gold medal hanging around his neck and crowned the new Japanese Champion. That evening as he settled in to sleep he checked his messages. Family, friends with their congratulations filling his inbox but there was a lone message from Yuzuru.

 

**“Congratulations Sho. I am so proud of you. The gold medal suits you really well. See you at 4CC and Worlds!”**

 

“Ah…” Shoma hummed. “right…” Shortly after the medal ceremony the Federation announced their picks for the Teams for 4CC and Worlds. Yuzuru got seeded and received a spot. Given his reply the older must expect to be healthy and ready for 4CC. Shoma types a quick thank you, pushing any thought or question from his mind. 

 

\----

 

Arriving in South Korea felt rather uneventful for Shoma. He knew that this arena would be the location of the upcoming Winter Olympics, a test event but somehow the excitement over it hasn’t arrived for him. Travel between the arena for practice and his hotel, or apartment took longer too and it always made him fall asleep; which then followed up with some crankiness. Seeing Yuzuru again and his bright smiles around him, did things to his heart too. Shoma felt as if he was back in Barcelona where the older spent a lot of time around him. Itsuki berated him over the phone the first night about him allowing it to happen again. Unfortunately Shoma reached the point where he was so madly in love, he could even accept the cold phases or their undefined relationship status.

 

\----

 

Shoma couldn’t believe what he saw on the screen in front of him. A score of 100.28 after his not so good short program. He did save his quad flip but most of his spins were horrible in his opinion. His combo was decent, a well executed triple axel. To him it was a mess of a program and though by the end he felt relieved; it wasn’t perfect. But the number two next to his name meant he it was good, better than Yuzuru by over three points. Yuzuru certainly had a worse skate them him with an off axis quad loop, popped sal in his combo. Shoma and Mihoko stared a the score on the screen, unbelieving but happy. 

 

Later as he was changing into street clothes he still couldn’t believe it. Distracted by his thoughts he jumped when he felt a hand tapping his shoulder. Turning around with wide eyes he met Yuzurus bright dark eyes. The older was biting on his lower lip. A quick glance around the room showed that they were the remaining ones.

 

“...would it be alright if we played some games tonight?” Yuzuru asked and Shoma blinked at him. 

 

“Oh…” He breathed out, quickly masking his expression. “Sure.” Yuzuru bit down on his lower lip. “My room or yours?” 

 

“Yours? Perhaps?” Shoma nodded, swallowing, his stomach doing a weird flip. Yuzuru smiled then and grabbed his bag leaving with his own entourage. Shoma stood for a minute then shook himself out of his frozen state. He had a shuttle to catch.

 

\----

 

Shoma changed into his pajamas, plugging his phone on a charger right before he heard a gentle knock on his door. Opening the door he found an equally dressed Yuzuru with a console in his hand. Stepping aside he let the older inside.

 

They never made it to even start playing their game because the moment the door closed behind Yuzuru, Shoma got enveloped in long but strong arms; warm lips pressing against his own.

 

\----

 

Shoma woke up feeling good, his lips still tingling from the kisses they shared the night before. He doesn’t remember when Yuzuru left to return his own room to rest but it must have been late because his alarm rang way too early for his liking. Pushing himself to go through his morning routine, he packed his bag to leave for breakfast, followed by practice.

 

He met Yuzuru in the changing room in the arena and they shared a small secret smile. It was nice for once not being instantly ignored when they have met. Practice went decent to his standards even with how distracted he felt each time Yuzuru passed by him on the ice. He hoped he will be able to shake it off before the free.

 

Maybe he didn’t in the end. His free was not horrendous but it felt way too close to a disaster. He got too calm after his opening quad and better spins than in the short. The fall with his triple axel knocking him off his high horse instantly turning the mood around. Missing his combo with the axel was bitter. Shoma couldn’t help to rub his face in disappointment after finishing his program. Mihoko tried to help him laugh at the whole situation but Shoma knew it was only for his own benefit, she was disappointed too. A bad free after a good short could compromise his spot on the podium. When he saw his score of 187.77 in the end he gasped in surprise. How was that even possible? Shoma didn’t know if he liked that, not for a skate like that.

 

\----

 

Shoma watched Yuzurus skate and he felt sorry for him. Popping a jump and missing a combo was one painful mistake all skaters pay for in scores. Yuzuru did try to change the layout in hope to make up some of the scores and it worked well enough for a new seasons best of 206.67. Shoma felt proud of him in the end and he did say that the moment the older stepped inside of the green room; where he sat a bit awkwardly with Patrick until he arrived. Nathan would be on soon and they sat together hoping for a good end result for both of them. His skate with decide what color of medal they get in the end.

 

As they waited for the scores to be announced, Yuzuru prayed that he would get gold. Shoma tried not to laugh at his antics but he also hoped for him to win. The older never got to win 4CC before. It appeared to be a very close call.

 

The level of disappointment in the green room peaked when the scores were out. Yuzuru would be second, Shoma gets to be third. Shoma frowned for a moment. He wasn’t delusional to get silver because for that Nathan did better in the short, still it tasted bitter on his tongue.

 

He didn’t get to work himself through the feelings as the medal ceremony would be right after. He vaguely recalls Patrick congratulating them and leaving. He dutifully fixed his skates to leave towards the ice again.

 

\----

 

As they didn’t end up with spots next to each other, Yuzuru couldn’t do the wedding pose with him, he did attempt behind Nathans back and triggered an embarrassed laughter from him. At least he could blame the flush on his cheeks on the cold.

 

\----

 

Shoma wasn’t surprised when later that evening he heard a gentle knock on his door and found a shy looking Yuzuru standing there. He stepped aside without a word to let him in. The second the door shut behind him he found himself in the olders arms, soft lips pressing to his own. Shoma literally melted against him, wrapping his arms around him to keep him close. They kept kissing, gentle and soft right there in the small corridor for a few minutes. Yuzuru pulled back to brush his fingers along the flushed patch on his jaw, making him shiver. Shoma got tugged towards the bed and he followed willingly.

 

They cuddled exchanging kisses here and there until Yuzuru left around 3 a.m to catch some sleep. Neither spoke about what was going on between them and Shoma decided he doesn’t want to know as long he can keep on tasting the older on his tongue.

 

\----

 

Gala practice the morning after felt less of a chore with Yuzuru around. He was always somewhere close, ready to make a joke and chat with him. It felt good, nothing compared to how he could behave during his cold periods. Now they would mess around with so much laughter Shoma got a cramp or two in his sides. The Gala itself went the same way.

 

The beautiful swan he was performed for the audience left him speechless. Shoma had a particular liking to the program, the costume only being a bonus. He himself performed “This town”, knowing the translation of the words, feeling they had a much stronger meaning to him now, which made the performance better in his opinion. He could convey the lyrics in a much better way than previously.

 

For Shoma the finale was the best. Yuzuru kept his distances short, always an arm away. They continued with the jokes and whenever Shoma thought he would lose the older in the circle of skaters he appeared right behind him. They hugged and held hands taking their bows to the audience. At one part Yuzuru made him lose balance as he raised his arm too high. 

 

Why was Yuzuru so ridiculously tall compared to him?

 

The usual fight over who would hold Yuzurus hand by a flowergirl occured, making Shoma feel a flair of jealousy. He had no real right though to feel that way. Falling a bit back he tried to mask his expression. If he wasn’t around Yuzuru, maybe people won’t see his glares, or worse record it.

 

\----

 

In the end he didn’t need to worry about his quick jealousy because Yuzuru visited him that last evening as well, spending hours in his room; kissing him. Only him.


	11. Don’t trust me too much

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Shoma couldn’t help but think that he hated long flights, though even short ones made him feel extremely cranky. Arriving in Helsinki in the biting cold, he couldn’t help but shiver. Shoma tightened his jacket around his frame and was thankful that the media was less interested in his arrival. He got granted a quick escape towards the official hotel._

Shoma couldn’t help but think that he hated long flights, though even short ones made him feel extremely cranky. Arriving in Helsinki in the biting cold, he couldn’t help but shiver. Shoma tightened his jacket around his frame and was thankful that the media was less interested in his arrival. He got granted a quick escape towards the official hotel. By the time they checked in there, Mihoko had to guide him to his room with his bags. She opened the door, gently ushered him inside, making sure he is not going to lose the roomkey and instructed him to shower and sleep. Any other time Shoma would have objected or just played a few hours on his phone but not today. He took a quick shower, unpacked fresh clothes to sleep in and hit the bed face first.

 

The next time he moved from the position was to shut his alarm off. Shoma groaned ready to go back to sleep but they had so much to do, most importantly the Official Practice. Slowly he pushed himself out of the comfort of his hotel bed, packed his skating bag, brushed his teeth and with his Team clothes on left to meet Mihoko for breakfast.

 

\----

 

Even with his jetlag and drowsiness he got through the practice, happy to be done and hoping for another nap. Shoma closed his eyes for a moment while rounding a corner and he collided with someone. He automatically apologized in Japanese, a familiar giggle filling his ears.

 

“Oh Sho.” Shoma blinked his eyes open meeting with the amused expression of Yuzuru. A flush appeared on his cheek, not related to the temperature. Yuzuru smiled much softer now, brushing his finger along the red patch. “Your room later?” He whispered and Shoma could only nod, then Yuzuru was gone as fast as he had appeared.

 

Later back in his room, he thought he had dreamed that but the older did end up knocking on his door. Shoma let Yuzuru step inside with slightly tousled hair.

 

\----

 

Time for the Short came faster than Shoma anticipated, and now here he was waiting for his turn to skate after Yuzuru. He watched backstage at first then the very end of the program by the boards. His heart ached to see the Yuzuru struggling. Barely saved one combo on the landing and the delay to put the second jump behind it was was off. His triple axel and step sequence were solid but the overall package was not to his standard. A score of 98.39 could be considered generous.

 

Shoma had to put his feelings towards Yuzuru aside and skate. He knew how every commentator would compare them, how the older was better, that he has to do well now after him. He shook his hands to disperse the nerves; gave his cue and the moment his music started he turned off his brain, only concentrated on his skating. Having done that he nailed his quad flip, combo turned out well. His spins felt great too. He could have done better on his triple axel considering the one Yuzuru showed everyone prior, something he himself wanted to land one day. His mistake got worked into the choreo and he could only hope not many really spotted it. The closer he got to finishing the louder the audience became, making it almost impossible for him to hear his own music.

 

Shoma threw his hand up in the air, feeling proud of what he put out and received a huge hug from Mihoko after he left the ice. Both settled in the Kiss and Cry and waited with anticipation for the score. 104.86. Shoma did not believe what he was seeing. A season best and almost 6 points above Yuzuru. He clapped, smiled proudly, sharing a side hug with Mihoko.

 

At the end he stayed on 2nd place with Yuzuru in 5th place. Shoma tried to find Yuzuru in the crowd but he could not find him at all. Disappointed he returned to his hotel room, not even hoping that the older would come to him. Knowing the persona of Yuzuru Hanyu and how he behaved after a bad skate, with so much to catch up on, he expected a cold shoulder. 

 

He got the surprise of his life when Yuzuru stood in front of his door, a few minutes after Shoma got out of his shower.

 

\----

 

At first Yuzuru did not say anything, also did not seek out any kind of physical contact and Shoma understood. Sometimes after a bad skate he did not want comfort either, not even someone to be around him. He would have understood if Yuzuru decided not to be with him tonight but here he was standing in the middle of the room, eyes shifting left and right. Anywhere but him.

 

Shoma thought of offering an apology but he had nothing to be sorry for. He simply had a better skate than Yuzuru and it could make things worse too for the older. Before he would make things worse he simply moved to the bed, sitting down at the edge, letting Yuzuru decide if he wanted to move close to him. He did not have to wait long, a few seconds more and the other sat down next to him, leaning his head on his shoulder. Shoma gently wrapped his arm around his shoulders. They stayed silent, not really needing to speak to each other to understand. Yuzuru had to work himself through his dilemma and plan how to make a comeback the following day. 

 

“I know you can do it tomorrow, bring a magical performance.” Shoma whispered in his dark locks, pressing a gentle kiss to the top of Yuzurus head. The older squeezed his thigh in a silent thank you. Their ways parted as it became too late for them to stay awake. They couldn’t allow themselves to miss out on the much required sleep before the free. Yuzuru pressed a small kiss to Shomas temple before leaving his room.

 

\----

 

And Shoma was right. He didn’t intend to watch as him keeping his muscles warm was important but the moment Yuzuru took the ice, he knew he will witness something incredible. The older gave his cue, expression turning into one that was filled with determination and the will to right the wrong he did the previous day. His warm up may have looked lethargic but Hope & Legacy was anything but that. Yuzuru had to make up a lot of points but the moment he landed that beautiful quad Loop, Shoma stopped caring about his own warm up. A gorgeous Bielmann soon followed by a triple Flip that flowed so well into the choreography he didn’t expect a jump to happen at that point. Perfect combo, steps making him fly across the ice like nobody else he has seen doing before. It made Shomas heart beat faster, hands forming fists by his side. A triple Axel double toe making the whole backstage area hold their breaths. It felt like the whole stadium was shaking from the screams of the fans in the stands. Shoma found it difficult to swallow after the music stopped and Yuzuru extended his arms welcoming the deafening noise and standing ovation. 

 

In Shomas eyes there would never be a person alive who could make such a comeback after a horrible short. It made him burn with a new kind of passion towards the sport, wishing to reach that level. It would be a hard road to follow but he wanted to be like Yuzuru, earn himself this kind of applause and satisfaction after a program. 

 

The scores showed how good it was. 223.20, a new seasons best, jumping into first place with a solid 321.59 points. A hard score to beat but now Shoma wanted to prove himself he could get close to it. Mihoko came over to him in that moment reminding him that he needs to move because he won’t have much time until it’s his turn to skate. Shoma nodded returning to his mat on the floor, going through each exercise with a new level of determination and excitement.

 

\----

 

Shoma inhaled and exhaled slowly waiting for the moment he was allowed to take the ice and go a few rounds to feel the ice, right after Patrick. He skated a bit to get used to the ice again, unable to wait for his name to be called. He wanted to show he could make it, if not beat Yuzuru be very close to him. Shoma did have some advantage from the short to help him out.

 

He would be lying if it was a perfect program in the end, his quad Loop was a close call, barely saved and he did better quad Flips too. Then he made the mistake with his triple Lutz, a moment where he was losing hope he could even get through it. He did pulled himself together for his triple Axel, triple Loop combo but then missed his second combo. It was a full roller coaster ride until he did a solid quad Toe, double Toe combination and his last jump combo was also solid. He couldn’t help but throw his hands up with tongue sticking out. A good fight in the end. Shoma felt good even with his mistakes that could easily cost him the gold now. Nevertheless when he thought about how the fact that he can trust to be on the podium he felt happy. He may stand next to Yuzuru again.

 

His wish came through with a 214.45 score and an overall of 319.31, so close behind Yuzuru. His smile shined brighter than all season long. Silver medal at Worlds a good result at the end of the season. 

 

\----

 

The Victory Ceremony went by like a blur or happiness and giggles. Yuzuru smiling brightly and he looked so gorgeous, Shoma wanted to kiss him right there in front of thousands of people and cameras. He hoped they could be together that night but didn’t dare to ask, Yuzuru would have a lot of media attention now after his spectacular win. Before they left the changing room though the older touched his shoulder, whispering in his ear how he wished to see him tonight. Shoma nodded, hoping the blush on cheeks wasn’t too visible for anyone still in the room..

 

\----

 

There were no words needed as Yuzuru stepped inside his room, they were instantly wrapped around each other, pressing their lips together in a passionate lip lock. Shoma wanted to do it since he had seen Yuzuru on top of the podium. The older did not seem to be ashamed either of his wants, hands running along his body over his clothes. Shoma moaned when Yuzuru grabbed a handful of his ass, squeezing it. Breaking their kiss he pulled on Yuzurus shirt towards the bed.

 

“Take it off.” He said in a breathless voice, the other complying right away and reaching out to get Shomas off. They had kissed before, they touched a bit but never lost any article of clothing, stopping before anything really happened. Tonight was different. Shoma was undressed slowly by Yuzuru, his skin pampered in soft kisses and touches. He sighed out his pleasure, the olders name leaving his lips like a mantra. His fingers tangled in dark hair, back arching from the bed, making him stop. Shoma wanted more, he wanted it all. Claim and be claimed by Yuzuru.

 

The only time they separated was when Yuzuru had the retrieve a few items from Shomas bag in the corner. It was his first time but the other was gentle and patient with him. He felt his heart burst when their bodies joined and he grabbed onto strong shoulders. Shoma came without being touched and it took all his power to keep his eyes open afterwards to watch Yuzuru get lost in the pleasure, but somehow he managed and the view was unforgettable. He promised himself to never forget that beautiful sight. Pure and raw passion written all over the elders face. Yuzuru kissed him once their breathing calmed down and Shoma hoped this would be how his future would look like from here on. Wrapped in the arms of the one he loved deeply. 

 

Albeit not all wishes of his came true so far when involved Yuzuru Hanyu.


	12. You don’t know me that well yet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _World Team Trophy was always a fun competition, regardless of how things may turn out to be, it was good to spend some time like this with his Team mates. Shoma enjoyed it given how throughout the actual season not everyone could make so many fun jokes, wear some weird props and openly cheering._

World Team Trophy was always a fun competition, regardless of how things may turn out to be, it was good to spend some time like this with his Team mates. Shoma enjoyed it given how throughout the actual season not everyone could make so many fun jokes, wear some weird props and openly cheering. When it comes down to Grand Prix and other competitions they all are in the zone (some more than others) and aim for medals, getting good results. While this was also something counting for the season it felt less stressful than usual. Shoma didn’t feel the same amount of pressure over his shoulders. 

 

This year, the Teams consisted of Japan, Russia, Canada, China, France and the USA. Shoma knew more than one of the skaters, at least on a greeting level. His English still sounded horrible and he wasn’t comfortable with speaking it more than some basics sentences.

 

Shoma arrived in the hotel and settled into his new home for the next couple of days, unpacking all that was necessary. He was about to go and take a shower when he heard a small knock on his door. Albeit confused of who it could be he opened the door, to meet a familiar face.

 

“Yuzuru…” The older smiled at him.

 

“Hey Sho. I just quickly wanted to say hi before I gotta go and do some interviews already. Do you think we can catch up a little bit later? I hope to finish in about three hours…” Yuzuru frowned and Shoma had to stop himself from sighing. Media had to start giving Yuzuru some air to breathe, the competition didn’t even start yet. After a second or two, Shoma nodded, retreating inside the room to fetch an additional card-key.

 

“Here...just come by when you are done. I will be probably awake.” Yuzuru smiled brightly, pocketing the card. Not daring more than a squeeze to Shomas shoulder so open in the hallway, he excused himself. Shoma closed the door again, leaning his forehead against the wooden surface. Today will be a long night but he did look forward to have Yuzuru all to himself for a few minutes at least.

 

\----

 

Before Shoma knew it, it was time for the men's short program and his turn to perform. He felt a bit nervous but it was just the usual when it came to skating in his home country. He did want his Team to win here, bring the gold medal home. He took a deep breath to balance his nerves, gave his cue and stared his program. At the end, after landing a good combo, solid spins and a great triple axel for his standards in a partially fake competition he felt good. His last spins could have been better as they did travel quite a lot and that annoyed him but otherwise he gave a clean program. He felt good, a smile dancing at the corner of his lips and since Yuzuru was after him, instantly taking the ice to warm up, not even waiting for him to exit. They passed each briefly, shared a quick look and Shoma had to fight a smile for whole different reasons. Biting the inside of his cheeks he made his way to the Kiss & Cry. As usual the Team behaved like kids behind him and did a Cantilever or something close to it, making Shoma laugh, more embarrassed than anything else. His scores were announced and he couldn’t help but feel proud of his 103.53. Once the cameras were on Yuzuru on the ice, so were his eyes too.

 

Shoma had to stop himself from wincing when Yuzuru popped his opening quad. He knew how much Yuzuru struggled with this short program, it never really felt right for him. Never got to go clean with it, always some kind of mistake and Shoma could see how much the popped jump made the older annoyed. His concentration faltered and caused him to put down both hands for his second jump. Too much speed which made him lose control on his landing. Shoma bit the inside of his cheek, tasting copper. Yuzuru landed his beautiful triple axel with a high kick but everyone knew at this point that it would be too little too late for making up some points. His spins flawless, step sequence to die for but the mistakes with two jumps would cost him, cost the Team a lot.

 

The moment the music stopped, Shoma knew the words which would leave his mouth rather than being able to read it. Disappointment was written all over his face, stopped and staring at the ice, shaking his head. Tracy was instantly by his side trying to comfort Yuzuru and he sank into her embrace for a moment, seeking comfort. Shoma watched from backstage while hastily changing his clothes and skates, just making it to the Kiss & Cry as the older sat down. They shared a quick glance but not much more as Yuzuru apologized for his butched program to everyone. He knew Yuzuru would have skipped seeing his scores and he couldn’t help the wince really escaping. 83.51. Masking his expression he cheered. With the cameras off of them he subtly reached forward to squeeze Yuzurus hand, earning a small smile and a squeeze too in return.

 

\-----

 

Inside Shomas room, the mood was definitely more clouded than the previous day but he understood it all too well too. Every skater had these moods, it was more common than most believed. Yuzuru had to go through it mentally, it wasn’t something Shoma could help with. They didn’t speak for a long time just enjoyed each others presence. Shoma did not pressure the older to do anything, he was happy he actually allowed him in, while he struggled with disappointment.

 

"If you want my heart, you need to take my pain too." Yuzuru had said as they lay in bed, facing each other, the setting sun behind Shoma casting a soft pink and orange hue over the whole room. Their limbs were tangled under the sheets, fingertips mapping out different constellations on the others skin. Shoma shivered from time to time as the soft touch tickled him but he didn’t make Yuzuru stop. Yuzuru never really stopped, it was all about movement with him. It reminded Shoma of the dance the Earth and Sun played with each other. Maybe Shoma was the Earth and Yuzuru was the sun, shining so bright with a heat barely anyone could bear. 

 

“Don’t trust me too much…” Yuzuru had added and Shoma couldn’t help but smile. Oh he trusted Yuzuru all too much, even if the older told him countless times not to. He couldn’t help it. Drawn to to him like one of the bees Yuzuru admired, to the sweet rose scent of his skin. Leaning in the younger pressed the tips of their noses together, slowly inhaling. 

 

“My love is like a red rose, it may be beautiful now but my sharp thorns will hurt you… the closer you get, the more I’ll hurt you.” Shoma closed the small distance between their lips to stop the flow of words and to taste his lips.

 

“Every rose has it’s thorn… it makes them more beautiful and exciting.” Shoma had spoken once he pulled back, hand reaching up to touch Yuzurus cheek. “And if it hurts… I don’t mind. Not when it comes to you.”

 

Yuzuru smiled at him albeit a bit bitterly. Shoma knew what they had was possibly temporary nevertheless the temptation was stronger than any reason. For now though he will be here to support him through this and worry about his emotions later. If he did not fear the rejection he would have told Yuzuru about his feelings a long time ago, but then the way Yuzuru spoke it wasn’t something he will ever say out loud.

 

\----

 

Shoma felt a slight pressure on him before the free. With Yuzuru landing almost at the back of the list and not earning them much points he had to make sure his skate was good. He also knew that with the disappointment still lingering in the air from the short, the older will do his best. He will make a comeback like so many times before. He exhaled, closing his eyes for a moment then gave his cue for his music to be started. 

 

A satisfying opening quad but the second had a stumble that made him frown for a second. He could feel Yuzurus eyes on him, watching with intent. Thousands of people could watch him but when the older did a shiver ran down his spine, giving him the power to push through, do well. A perfect combo only to fall completely on his next jump. It knocked the wind out of him and made him lose his concentration. More and more mistakes but he pushed himself through it, in a poor attempt to make up some points he lost with his fall. Shoma felt bone tired already, forcing himself to the Kiss & Cry. Shoma spotted Yuzuru, who moved in for a half hug, startling him a bit. They have not exactly shown much affection in public or at all and it tipped him off balance. He distracted himself with how the older effectively made an idiot out of himself, laughing and being all fan-service. 198.49. Shoma nodded softly, still a good score considering his mistakes, he had done his best. Yuzuru moved again and Shoma felt the shift behind him before him appearing in his vision. A high-five, a hug and a whole bow to apologize and Shoma sat there baffled. If they hadn’t had to many cameras around them, he may have asked what all this acting was about.

 

Yuzuru maybe had it worse during his free. After that miracle performance at Helsinki people put more pressure on him. Several people murmured the past hours how he will do a comeback like he did at Worlds and Shoma could see the subtle twist in the olders expression. Just as expected from him due to the pressure of all, Yuzuru made mistakes. One perfect quad, followed by a popped one, beautiful steps and spins as usual, that triple Flip making Shoma feel a lot inside his chest. A combination saved by poor flexibility but then, the one unthinkable happened. Yuzuru popped his signature triple Axel, causing the whole arena to gasp in surprise. Shoma felt dazed, not having expected to see how his signature jump betrayed him. The whole program a roller-coaster of good and bad elements and the disappointment looked so much worse on Yuzurus face. He got huge hugs from Tracy and Briand. While he could not understand even if he heard the words he knew they tried to comfort the other for his program. Yuzuru on the other seemed to be lost in his head, already going through all the elements he messed up. He put on the pink bow but quickly took it off in the Kiss & Cry feeling too embarrassed, instead he placed it on Pooh, making Shoma laugh for a second. 200.49. Yuzurus faces twitched and Shoma swallowed hard behind him.

 

It became clear to everyone in their Team,  that the following day the girls will have to fight hard for their Gold. Shoma couldn’t help but feel a bit disappointed now as well. He knew a lot was going through Yuzurus head but he hoped he could leave it behind and not take it with him on the ice. He got that advise so many times from the older even. He wondered what was bothering him so much but felt too scared to ask.

 

\----

 

In the end the girls secured them the first place, ahead of Team Russia and USA. Shoma officially took the first place for Men for the event, and Yuzuru third. Yuzuru tried to hide that it bothered him but Shoma could feel the bitterness, even taste it on his tongue when they clung to each other in bed. He swallowed the pain it caused him on the inside even when his body tingled with pleasure.

 

\----

 

Shoma looked forward to the Gala, just to enjoy some good old fun times on the ice. Somehow after Yuzuru left his room with all things done he thought he could suffocate. He felt somewhat used too because the older did not say much before or after claiming him. Until the Finale, he tried to give himself some space, succeeding some as Yuzuru did not seek him out that much during practice either. As if things weren’t too much already during the Opening number, Yuzuru kept staying at his heels, making sure to always be the one behind Shoma. He wished he could have skipped the Team performance because that resulted in him feeling embarrassed on top of everything else. He appreciated the moment when he could go backstage and hide.

 

Unfortunately his peace only lasted a few performances because then Javier was introduced as a guest skater and of course Yuzuru had to be all drama. He shouted over the top of his lungs in a silent arena, making sure everyone heard, the cameras picked it up. Everyone including Javier laughed at his behaviour. Everyone but Shoma. A feeling he had not had before flared up inside of him - jealousy and he hated it. Because regardless of what they did last night he knew he wasn’t really Yuzurus boyfriend. 

 

\----

 

By the time it was his turn to perform his feelings were a mess but as he stumbled down from their Team booth to the ice he had to laugh. The performance he picked felt more fitting than ever. With the first notes of “This Town” he let himself be carried by the melody, performing it wholeheartedly. More emotion put inside than any other time during the season. The song made him think of Yuzuru from the moment he researched the lyrics translation. It felt he was describing his emotions towards the older.

 

“You still make me nervous when you walk into the room..” Shoma couldn’t hide a bitter smile from crossing is features. It was true, even know he felt nervous and excited around Yuzuru, each time they kissed or made love. He hoped deep down Yuzuru would watch the performance and know the meaning behind it too, without him needing to speak it out loud. Shoma could be better in expression his feelings than using words. 

 

\----

 

Shoma ignored the second performance of Javier or how Yuzuru was glued to the small screen backstage watching his training mate. He swallowed down the new wave of jealousy.

 

\----

 

Initially he wanted to ignore the olders performance but barely anyone could resist not to  watch. Notte Stellata was one of his most magical performances and Shoma had his eyes on the thin beautiful form throughout the program. He did not understand a single word from the lyrics and never really searched it up but you did not need to if Yuzuru Hanyu embodied the music itself, created a separate persona from his own to match it perfectly. It was something that not many could do in the field, even he strived for that level of artistry. A single tear escaped his eyes, quickly reaching up to brush it away before anyone could see it, masking it with the usual way he brushed hair out of his eyes.

 

And then to the contrast of his Swan, he performed an encore of his short program, a rockstar on ice clad in a beautiful fairy costume. Shoma chuckled at that. Another persona. Shoma wondered how many Yuzuru had and maybe he experienced himself a version inside of hotel rooms and closed doors. If that was also just acting.

 

\----

 

During the Finale he was somewhat forced to be around Yuzuru as the previously agreed choreography required it. He bobbed with Zhenya and Yuzuru, played around with the older as he didn’t want to leave his side no matter how many skaters were around them. If Javier was around. Yuzuru remained close to him, reached for his hand too when they bowed, appeared like he didn’t wanna vanish from his side but Shoma wasn’t in the mood for it. Saying goodbye to Kanako was sad and he went into a group hug before he could back away from the whole - in your personal space from people you are not exactly comfortable with - situation. Yuzuru used that chance to touch Shoma more. That was the last straw for him and from then on he himself tried to keep away from Yuzuru. It looked like an escape, partially was one too. 

 

That night, there was no knock on his door only a text on his phone with an excuse about how busy his was and can’t make it. Unfortunately he overheard Javier in the Lobby before announcing that he can’t join other skaters as he has plans with Yuzuru. 

 

After the competition and the talk they had, Shoma had this nagging feeling that maybe this was not meant to last. Which in retrospect was a feeling he had before anything even started between them but now there was Javier too. Shoma knew they were close, so much closer than friends but he kept on denying it for his own sake. He felt nauseous with the idea of them doing the same things they did just the other night, he ended up throwing up his dinner. Leaning against the wall in the bathroom. Shoma felt exhausted. 

 

Yuzuru remained this untouchable being, even if Shoma had claimed him in the privacy of hotel rooms many times until now.

 

He finally saw the end of something that maybe never really started, not how it should have.

 


	13. So just run away run away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Shoma felt a sense of relief when Word Team Trophy ended and he could go back home to his room, hide under the blankets and immerse himself in his games. Time passed slowly but steadily and there was no sign of Yuzuru for weeks after._

Shoma felt a sense of relief when Word Team Trophy ended and he could go back home to his room, hide under the blankets and immerse himself in his games. Time passed slowly but steadily and there was no sign of Yuzuru for weeks after. The last night he spent with Javier and it made Shoma wonder why he is still doing this to himself. His heart broke into a thousands of pieces more. There was no going around the topic much longer. Yuzuru was closer to Javier, they trained together and whenever he spoke of the Spanish man in media it was all praise, almost sounding like a confession. Shoma wondered now if he was the second choice and he hated the simple thought of it. No matter how much he loved the older he wasn’t sure he can take more of this.

 

He decided to avoid social plans during the summer, using the time to think, spend it with his brother who he doesn’t see as often during a season with all his travels and training going on. If he wasn’t on the ice he was with Itsuki or glued to his phone, playing his games. Once or twice he messaged Keiji to reassure he wasn’t dead just busy, same with Sota. For his own mental health he muted the Team Japan chat and the one with Yuzuru. He did not expect him to message him anyway and whatever he had to say was to no interest to him now. Shoma felt betrayed and hurt. Each night he recalled their conversation how Yuzuru thought he was a rose with thorns and that he would only hurt Shoma. That time he was blinded by the happy feelings to have him by his side but now it was different. A recurring theme over the time they got closer, kissed for the first time.

 

A very important season was coming up as well, the Olympic one and so far his chances for getting a spot were good. He wanted to go and represent his country. For once he also understood why Yuzuru distanced himself from people sometimes. It gave him more time and energy to concentrate on what was important - training. A bitter taste filled his mouth as even now where he doesn’t want to think of Yuzuru, in some shape or form he is in his life.

 

\----

 

Before he started his training though he sat down with Mihoko at their usual talk before a season. Making a plan for what they wanted to achieve. The talk was certainly shorter than last season because Shoma now new exactly what he wanted.

 

“I want an Olympic spot, Gold medals and for that I think I want to bring back Winter and Turandot.” Mihoko smiles at him, obviously pleased with his choices. Shoma sometimes let himself be guided as he wasn’t so sure but not now. He knew what he wanted, not just on the ice. Mihoko nodded, scribbling into her notebook and off they went right into the discussion of his layout.

 

\----

 

Lombardia has become a good place to start his seasons, the pressure wasn’t as high as maybe any other challenger and the chances for meeting Yuzuru were low to none-existent. It was time to test his programs, show them which ones he will use and how they may look. Given him adjusting some tiny changes his short and free, both went well. His opening jump was giving him in both some issues but there was till time to fix it until the Olympics or Nationals. Only the beginning of the season though with him getting two clean programs without any falls worried him. It is not good to peak so early in the season. This usually meant for him that he could have some issues later on. For now though he went back to Japan with a gold medal in his hand luggage, feeling satisfied under the layer of exhaustion.

 

He glanced at his phone before take off, checking some messages. Browsing through the list and seeing a number 15 next to the chat with Yuzuru, all unread message with a recent one on preview with the text to congratulate him. Shoma ignored it yet again.

 

\----

 

Shoma did not expect anything else when the Team for Japan Open got announced, he knew Yuzuru would not join and maybe it was better so. Javier would lead Team Europe and he already knew how difficult that is going to be for him. He liked Javier, who could not? He was always kind, warm, supportive and his smile shined brighter than the sun itself. Shoma liked him too, the only feelings he had added to that was jealousy. Jealousy of him being able to be close to Yuzuru day in and out and obviously being an important person for him. Shoma would not be surprised if they were or want to be more than friends, the attraction is obviously there. He sighed, trying to shake the sad thoughts of being second choice out of his head.

 

Unfortunately he let himself be so distracted that while the first part of his free program went well, after his fall, he was a complete mess. He kept making mistakes and knew their win was not going to happen at this point. Team Europe will win and Shoma felt like he lost to Javier now here too, he did get a higher score than him after all. Losing when it comes to Yuzuru and now losing on the ice as well. He wasn’t delusional it wasn’t like he had beaten Javier a lot when it came to skating but it bothered him a lot now. Putting up a happy face for the medal ceremony he shared a congratulatory hug with Javier but that apparently wasn’t enough for the older. Somewhere along the final practice for Carnival on Ice, which was not too long after the competition; he pulled Shoma into a secluded corner.

 

Javier placed a gentle hand on his shoulder. “Shoma… did I do something wrong to upset you?” Shoma needed a moment or two to understand the words with the accent but when he did his eyes widened. “I did, didn't I? Was it… is it because of Yuzuru?” Shoma dropped his gaze to the floor not knowing how to answer.

 

Javier sighed heavily, releasing him to run the same hand along his face. “We are not together anymore you know? It’s been a long time since we were anything more than friends.” Shoma snapped his eyes up at the older, shocked at the information.

 

“When?” He couldn’t help but ask. So he was right, they were together, there was more between them, but he needs to know when it ended. 

 

“Boston… he didn’t take losing so well and after it just became worse, we distanced ourselves but I think it may have been the summer after, preparing for the new season, where we just knew this wasn’t a relationship anymore. I mean we literally didn’t spend any time together in Boston and I could see something changed there. Not just with us being rivals, something else happened too. Our official talk about ending things came later though.” Shoma head was spinning with all these information. Boston. Where they kissed for the first time. Yuzuru was still dating Javier even if their relationship wasn’t really one anymore. His legs became weak and if not for the help of Javier who had his arms steady him, he may have collapsed right there on the floor. 

 

“Shoma… Shoma, are you okay?” Javier asked, worry written all over his face. Shoma managed to give a small nod and excuse himself. He needed air, he couldn’t breathe. He took a few steps away from Javier before his worlds turned black.

 

\----

 

Shoma came his senses later, laying on a bench. He heard voices mumbling around him along with some shuffling. He slowly raised himself into a sitting position, dismissing any worry from his Team or skaters. At least he woke up before the performance, that was all he cared about.

 

Much later in the privacy of his room he took his phone, opening the chat he shared with Yuzuru. Reading through the now many more messages. Latest ones even mentioning him faining, probably Javier told him about it. He couldn’t do this.

 

**“Leave me alone.”**

 

He hit send before he could regret and buried himself in his pillow, letting the cotton soak up his tears.

 

\----

 

The next competitions went by in a blur for Shoma. He immersed himself more into his skating, he let it distract him from all of it. A Gold at Skate Canada felt good, the Silver in France tasted slightly bitter on his tongue. Then everything around him turned upside down again. Even if he avoided watching competitions involving Yuzuru, he knew about his results. The incident at NHK sent the whole JSF into panic and suddenly the pressure on Shoma felt thousand times stronger. Since his message around Japan Open he had not looked into their chat but now he somehow wanted to reach out, just to make sure Yuzuru would not spiraling down, a few months before the Olympics. He opened the chat only to see a string of questioning messages after Shoma said what he said; calling for him only to be left ignored. The last message making his heart break further.

 

“Shoma… please… I need you.” Sent the day of his accident. It’s been two days since then. He wondered if he should even try but he put his feelings aside, hitting call. He knew that Yuzuru was in Japan, timezone wasn’t a concern of his now.

 

Yuzuru picked up on the third ring, the screen flickering to show a very tired and broken Yuzuru.

 

“Sho…” He sounded pitiful and Shoma had to bite back a wince. The two didn’t talk much but as they kept each other company in their semi-dark bedrooms, only the phone screen illuminating their faces, Yuzuru started to look better.

 

These kind of conversations started up again. Shoma didn’t ask how Yuzuru was but kept him company throughout his recovery. Yuzuru did not disclose a lot of information either but it wasn't obviously more serious than anything else in the past and the looming Olympics made him depressed and anxious.

 

\----

 

Another silver at the Grand Prix Finale. Shoma felt exhausted by the amount of silver medals he had in his cabinet already, unwilling to even look at them. Japan kept a much stronger eye on him and the media was insistent now that Yuzuru vanished to recover. Nobody knew if he would be able to go to the Olympics and they started to crown his as the new Gold medalist. Shoma felt like a bird in a cage.

 

Winning at Nationals felt wrong too. Yuzuru should be standing on top of the podium and not him. Without him there the win and being the National champion felt like he was cheating. At least he could relish in the happy feeling that JSF seeded Yuzuru for the Olympics. They couldn’t afford not to put their reigning Olympic champion into the Team even if his participation still remained a question mark. 

 

That same evening he called Yuzuru again, making sure he was feeling okay, mentally at least. They still refused to speak of the injury, at least he would not ask unless Yuzuru wants to open up. For the first time Yuzuru did and Shoma didn’t know how to feel hearing all those worries slipping out of the older, confessing his struggles both mentally and physically. How Shoma has become one of the few people he still willingly engages with, he barely even speaks with his Team in Canada, leaving them in the dark about the extent of his injury. 

 

Shoma wished he could be there and hold Yuzuru while he cries silently, a waterfall of words coming from him. Shoma listened and made soft understanding sounds, hands clasping his phone tight hoping it won’t break.

 

\----

 

As expected 4CC ended with Shoma getting another silver. He felt drained just looking at the color of his medal. No matter how many people congratulated him for his great achievements the season was anything but what he wanted. Slowly he started to worry that maybe he won’t be able to get on the Olympic podium at all. The level of skaters will be strong, Javier will be present again, unlike the Grand Prix Finale and he got Gold at Europeans again, looking strong on the ice. Yuzuru would hopefully be there though the final confirmation has yet to come. He knew that the older wanted to go to Pyeongchang and defend his title but it will be a hard and dangerous road he is taking, with his ankle not healed at all. He already told Shoma that he will not be participating in the Team Event, winning himself a week or two to concentrate on his skating, not wanting to tire his barely working ankle before the big event.

 

Shoma looked at the flight details to Pyeongchang on his phone, dazed he leaned back against his pillows. Just a few more days and he will be participating in his first ever Olympics. An event everyone feared and felt excited for. Shoma only felt tired.


	14. Don’t love me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Pyeongchang. Everyone was speaking about the Olympics and some days Shoma did feel the pressure that is coming with it but he also knew that most attention will be on Yuzuru. He will be able to breathe a bit more easily. It wasn’t nice to think of the older this way but with him around he could handle the media better._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: One more chapter to go! Almost finished, right before the senior season really starts! ACI is soon! Good luck, Yuzuru!

Pyeongchang. Everyone was speaking about the Olympics and some days Shoma did feel the pressure that is coming with it but he also knew that most attention will be on Yuzuru. He will be able to breathe a bit more easily. It wasn’t nice to think of the older this way but with him around he could handle the media better. He was thankful, excited to see him as in the past weeks they have grown closer again. A never ending roller-coaster with the two of them and Shoma kept going for a new ride, ignoring his wounded heart. Itsuki only shook his head at him, not understanding why he does it to himself and if Shoma was honest, he couldn’t answer that question either.

 

Arriving in the athlete village ahead of the Team event he would be doing with Keiji as Yuzuru will concentrate on his individual event, he felt good. He unpacked only what he needed for the first evening, took a shower as he hated the feeling of canned air on his skin. As usual he would be sharing this apartment kind of space with Keiji, Yuzuru would be having his own. Shoma didn’t mind that and after his shower he knocked out on his bed, not even hearing any of the noise Keiji made while unpacking.

 

\----

 

Shoma actually liked Team Events, he always enjoyed Japan Open or World Team Trophy it meant he could spend time with other athletes from Japan, at competitions it was a whole different story. Though the pressure on some of his friends due to the venue was visible on their faces or tense shoulders. He took it one step at a time. The media was hyping him up but he pushed all that aside, having Mihoko close who diffused some of the pressure from being dumped on his shoulders.

 

Taking the ice, giving the cue for his music, Shoma took a deep breath and moved with the first notes of Winter. A program he was comfortable with over the years of having used it. Unfortunately his quad flip did not end up as good as he envisioned, being forced to place his hand down or he would have fallen. But that also got his head back into the game and he performed the rest of his program without bigger mistakes. Between his last two spins he couldn’t help but smile brightly knowing he did well. He did his contribution to the Team, possibly with good points too. Relief written all over his features, shoulders relaxing he bowed to the crown. In the KIss & Cry he got handed a tissue by Mihoko for his hand, he didn’t even realize he had injured himself, smiling anyway and with his scores of 103.25, he didn’t care out it at all anymore.

 

He was done for the Team Event, with taking 10 points for Japan, the Free would be up to Keiji.

 

\----

 

Shoma received a text from Yuzuru to announce where he would be getting to his own assigned apartment and he hoped to see Shoma before all the madness of the competitions, pressure and expectations swallowed them both. He agreed and shortly before 9 p.m he found himself knocking on his door. Ghislain opened the door, making Shoma blink confused but the coach only smiled and let him in before stepping out. Yuzuru called for Shoma from the couch, leg propped up on the table.

 

“I am rooming with Ghislain, it is easier this way.” Yuzuru gave an explanation before he could voice the question. “He left to talk to the others and to give us a bit of space.” Shoma nodded and when Yuzuru patted the couch cushion next to him he settled down, leaving generous space between them. The older did not say anything to that or tried to close the distance. The room felt a bit more tense. It is one thing you end up speaking with each other again but they have not talked about why Shoma told Yuzuru to basically fuck off before his injury. “I saw the Team Event. You did really well Sho. I am proud of you. I am sorry I couldn’t join the event.. I just--”

 

“I know. It is alright. Keiji and I, we managed quite well I think. It is better for you to concentrate on yourself. We are not that of a hopeless bunch without you as the media likes to put us.” Yuzuru winced at that, eyes dropping to his lap where he played with the zipper of his hoodie.

 

“I’m sorry. Media has been… a lot.” Shoma stared at the wall ahead, humming in agreement. “I...I was wondering if you want to speak to me about why you cut me off before my injury...I know it may not be the best timing but I need to know where we are standing.” Shoma released a sigh, staying silent for a while, Yuzuru letting him take his time.

 

“At Japan Open I spoke to Javier, he told me things. He told me how you two...that in Boston you were still…” Yuzuru winced again, realization hitting but before he could go onto apologies Shoma continued. “You know I loved you. I still do. But hearing all that, it was painful I had to take my time to see what I wanted. Then you got injured and I wanted to be there for you.” Shoma looked towards Yuzuru, watching as the older chewed on his lower lip.

 

“What do you want now?” 

 

Shoma shrugged a bit helpless. “I don’t know Yuzu, it depends on what you want yourself. You never really… I don’t even know what we were and it went on for a while. Until you figure out what you want and if you can actually be in a relationship, we will be friends and nothing more.” Shoma slowly pushed himself up from the couch, looking at Yuzuru. “I will see you at practice.” Without further comment or expecting a reply to his questions Shoma returned to his room. His legs gave out under him the moment he closed the bedroom door behind him, a single tear rolling down his cheek.

 

\----

 

Practice went by quick and it was time for the warm up before the short. Yuzuru would skate as the first in their group and Shoma skates after Kolyada, before Javier. The arena went crazy the second Yuzuru stepped on ice and only got louder when his name was announced. Shoma used those moments to breathe. His eyes caught Javier who looked at him with an expression he did not understand. Shoma greeted the audience and took off to warm up when everyone moved, practicing some jumps to have a good feel for them. Six minutes never feel too long when you at a competition and he had to clear off. He stopped in front of the first screen though backstage. He had to see Yuzuru skate and given how many more from the group stopped too, Shoma knew they were all interested how the reigning champion would perform.

 

Chopin sent shivers down his spine, the way Yuzuru moved with the music, landing his jumps beautifully with now sign at all that barely a few weeks ago he couldn’t jump at all. His spins graceful and the triple Axel to die for. Shoma clenched his fist so tight he definitely left marks in his palm. The quad toe, triple toe combination made him bite his lower lip, tasting copper. There was no denying from how silent the usually busy warm up area was that everyone watched Yuzuru and was left astonished by his command of the ice. 111.68 just short of his own world record. Instantly the expression of each skater after him changed. The challenge has been spoken and they will take it. Shoma will.

 

Shoma went into his own short program with a new level of confidence, wanting to show he can really do it, maybe even be better than he was at the Team Event. His combination felt good, he saved his axel by pure determination. He couldn’t help but smile after his last jump was completed, going into his last spins feeling good and happy. And with a score of 104.17 score he was sure to be in top 3 as Javier was the last to skate. As he thought he improved his Team Event score even if just by a tiny bit. It was now up to Javier if he would be in third or second going into the free.

 

He didn’t really have the time to find himself a seat so he picked one of the screens with less people around to watch Javier perform. He couldn’t help it, even with the complicated triangle which he didn’t know about until recently, he was an incredible skater. Especially if you considered where he came from and how far he had reached. Everything about that program was magical, a character displayed perfectly. His score higher for good reasons. Shoma would go into the free as third with not too many points to beat, maybe he has a chance for the final podium too, if he skates well enough.

 

\----

 

The press conference after the short being the usual affair, Shoma tried his best not to fall asleep. He dutifully answered all the questions directed at him, zoning out about the other two next to him. At the end when everyone was fumbling to get their things, he felt a hand grabbing his arm. Yuzuru whispered to him to come visit a bit later, they needed to talk. Shoma nodded taking his leave before the older.

 

\----

 

In the end he fell asleep after his shower in his room, the sound of his phone waking him up. It was late but Yuzuru messaged that he was still awake and Shoma could come over. Rubbing along his face he grabbed his jacket. He was about to round the corner to Yuzurus room when he heard a hushed but hurried conversation. Shoma wasn’t the kind of person to listen to conversations around him but he recognized the voices. Yuzuru and Javier were having a conversation in front of Yuzurus apartment, the corridor otherwise deserted.

 

Ready to take his leave and let the two finish their conversation he froze into spot as Javier cupped Yuzurus cheek and pulled him into a deep kiss. Shoma expected the Japanese to push the Spaniard away but instead moved in, grabbing the others shirt, kissing him back with the same passion. He doesn’t know what kind of sound he made but it must have been loud enough to alarm the two and they turned towards him. Yuzurus eyes widened with panic and he pushed Javier away, hurrying towards Shoma. 

 

“No...don’t fucking come any closer.” Shoma hissed and the older froze. “You fucking asshole. Is this why you asked me here? To show me you are back with him? Fuck you Yuzuru, fuck you so damn much. I am done. I don’t want to have anything to do with you or him. I will play for the media but don’t you fucking dare… I hate you.” The Spaniard looked confused, not understanding Japanese much but the tone must have been enough for him to get what was happening. Shoma stormed back to his room, collapsing on his bed with loud sobs. Keiji waking up alarmed by the noise and finding his friend like a broken mess. Strong arms wrapped around him, trying to shush him before he got an attack. All Shoma could do was cling to his friend for support, his heart broken for good.

 

\----

 

The next day during practice he felt off. Yuzuru and even Javier tried to approach him but he sent both off with a glare. Mihoko saw the tension too and the second time Yuzuru tried it was her who told him to concentrate on his own skating. Polite as ever but it wasn’t up for debate if an exception could be made. Shoma felt grateful to have a coach like her. 

 

Yuzuru appeared to have issues as well with his Salchow later in the warm up but practice or warm up was no indication how the actual performance would go. Knowing Yuzuru though,  he will put everything in a box, lock it up and only concentrate on his program. Shoma had to do that too.

 

\----

 

Shoma wished to promise himself not to watch Yuzuru but it’s not something easy to achieve. Seimei being a program representing a part of Japan and it also was one of his favourite programs. In the end he did watch and instantly got mesmerized by the magical program he put on the ice. Saving impossible landings like a flexible cat on ice. A shiver ran down his spine remembering moments he got to see that body move and stretch due to pleasure. He swallowed and tired to shake himself out of those thoughts, those times were gone. Shoma forever the second choice for the older. His eyes focused on the screen again. 317.85. Yuzuru had shown the world he wasn’t done, he could fight even with a busted ankle.

 

Javier followed up with a strong performance, yet again being a Team instead of rivals, both supporting each other even if they were fighting for the same medal. The Spaniard did make some mistakes but still it was something to be proud of and when he slipped into second place, guaranteeing himself a podium finish, it all depended on Shoma how the colors turn out.

 

Shoma was ready to fight with all he got.

 

If only did not start his program with the awful fall. Shoma cursed himself on the inside how he could make such a mad mistake right in the beginning. That would cost him a lot of point and if he doesn’t get his shit together the podium all together. Following that mistake he slowly started to gain back his confidence, going through each element. A way he had learned very accustomed to by this point. Some elements were wobbly but maybe it would be enough, it should be enough. He felt proud once he took his ending pose and the music stopped, the arena erupting in screams he had not experienced before.

 

306.90. Ahead of of Javier. Silver Medal. 

 

Shoma sat baffled in the Kiss & Cry, feeling how Mihoko hugged him, leaned on him. He just won silver medal at the Olympics.

 

\----

 

Everything happened so fast, it was a blur for him. Forgetting his heartbreak and just enjoying the moment. People fussing all around him to congratulate him and he smiled brightly. Yuzuru overjoyed and happy too. They did end up joking and messing around because nothing else mattered right now, right until Javier pulled them into an embrace. Shoma understood some of the words spoken, definitely the ‘retiring’ part. Yuzuru broke down in two seconds, crying rivers and clinging, shaking Javier. Shoma wished he wasn’t there, right next to them. The pain suddenly felt more intense and he couldn’t quite breathe.

 

**“I can’t, I can’t do it without you.”**

 

Shoma closed his eyes and wished he couldn’t understand those words at all.

 

\----

 

Flower Ceremony, Victory Ceremony, hundreds of more people congratulating him, dinner with Team Japan to celebrate, speaking with his own family, gala practice and the gala itself. All went by in a blur of movement an words spoken sometimes in a language he did not want to hear anymore. Yuzuru always somewhere in his orbit, joking and touching. After the Gala he felt himself being tugged into a corner, Yuzuru looking gorgeous in his swan costume.

 

“Shoma… can we talk?” Shoma sighed and shook his head lightly. He raised his head to look at the older.

 

“There is nothing to talk about anymore, Yuzu. You made your choice and even if you didn’t, I am too broken. I have reached my limit. I can’t do this to myself anymore. I will always be a second choice to you and it hurts. I have been hurting since I fell in love with you and oh… was I young and naive. I never believed we would even have what we had but that was just a past time. You will never love me and trust me like you do with Javier. If I can’t have it all, I rather not have it. You were right, you are a rose with sharp thorns and I am bleeding from every pore of mine. I need to step away or--- We do what the media wants but otherwise, I am done. We are done. Lovers or whatever that was and as friends too. Good-bye Yuzuru.” Shoma touched the olders cheek, feeling him shiver at the touch, trying to lean into it but by then he moved his hand away. He couldn’t be sure but it may have been a tear that slid down the others cheek but he turned away, leaving not wanting to confirm.

 

\----

 

For a whole week after the games, he was dragged left and right to give interviews, some with Yuzuru, others only on his own. By the time he dropped on top of his bed at home he felt drained. Shoma slept for two days straight and barely left his bed for another, coping with everything and nothing. Then unfortunately he had to get up because training had to resume for Milan. One final fight this season and he could rest. 

 

\----

 

Silver in Milan tasted bitter but that was all he could do. Being stupid and injuring himself did not help his chances, he felt broken. If not for Kazuki he would have caused Japan to lose their three spots for next year's Worlds. For a split moment he wished Yuzuru was there because that way he would not require to explain the media why he was such a failure and only got a silver medal. Shoma wished the world would stop and let him breathe. He wasn’t Yuzuru Hanyu, he was Shoma Uno and maybe this is all he is capable of with a fucked up condition and broken heart.


	15. Every rose has its thorn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _With the help of his Team and his wishes to only participate in shows Yuzuru was not present, he managed to create himself a summer ice show schedule that only involved one where they would meet. Fantasy on Ice did not invite him in the first place and while it did feel like a low blow considering his silver medal at the Olympics, he didn’t have to feel bad for cancelling on them._

With the help of his Team and his wishes to only participate in shows Yuzuru was not present, he managed to create himself a summer ice show schedule that only involved one where they would meet. Fantasy on Ice did not invite him in the first place and while it did feel like a low blow considering his silver medal at the Olympics, he didn’t have to feel bad for cancelling on them. After all, over the past years it has turned into Yuzurus ice show, him being the main host and that would mean him playing a role of friend he wasn’t all too confident he could do. Not so soon.

 

Heroes & Future in Nagano on the other hand was an ice show he could not reject and that meant meeting Javier and Yuzuru. Shoma considered for a moment, coming up with some kind of excuse not to go but Mihoko placed a hand over his shoulder as they were discussing in between two training sessions.

 

“I know you do not want to see him but this ice show.. Nagano is an important place Shoma. It won’t be easy but you should perform. Maybe bring your new programs too, they can help you concentrate on them instead of the people around you.”

 

Shoma did sigh but nodded his head to her, receiving a squeeze to his shoulder. “Good boy.”

 

\----

 

So here he was now settling in the changing room, putting on his skates for his practice time. For a brief moment he had seen Yuzuru but the older made sure not to cross his path. There would be enough skaters too he can spend time with, even the Shibs would be here. If not he can just hide in his own changing room. A surprising turn of events as he usually did not get one assigned but instead shared with all other guys. Maybe him winning silver did have some perks here where they would celebrate the Olympics once held in Nagano.

 

\----

 

The first training session went well, he did a complete run-through of Time after Time. It felt good and some skaters sent thumbs up his way. It may have also helped that neither Yuzuru or Javier were in this time slot. Shoma couldn’t help but hope they could gracefully and politely avoid each other, without raising too much suspicion about the change of behaviour. With Javier it was easy because they weren’t exactly close but with Yuzuru it was a whole different story. The media thought they were close and friends. Until Pyeongchang they were, then Yuzuru decided to hurt him badly.

 

Lost in his thoughts Shoma does not realize someone sitting down next to him until he heard the person clearing their throat. Raising his head he is met with the chocolate eyes of a certain Spanish skater. He freezed instantly, dropping his laces he was trying to undo.

 

“Can we talk a bit later? I think I owe you a couple of explanations…” Shoma stares at Javier, considering his words. The older looks hopeful and there seems to be some regret and sadness in his eyes. Shoma ends up agreeing.

 

“Have own room, we talk there. Private.” Javier nodded, standing up and wait for Shoma to lead them there.

 

\----

 

If Shoma had to describe the two of them sitting across each other in a small room, he would call it awkward. Mihoko had sent Shoma a questioning glance as he walked with the Spaniard away from the ice but he just shrugged. Now they were alone, nobody would disturb them and the silence was deafening. 

 

“You wanted talk?” Shoma asks and that shakes Javier out of his thoughts.

 

“Oh yes… so.. I need to apologize to you first.” Javier looks him in the eye. “I am sorry Shoma. I didn’t know that you two were…” The older exhales and drops his gaze to the floor. “I told you before that we were together at one point and things got worse and ended around Boston. Well I was still hoping we could change things in the end. Pyeongchang was important, a milestone for so many reasons. I thought maybe there is something there. You have seen us kiss and yes, Yuzuru did kiss me back but it was more of a goodbye, which in retrospect sounds stupid.” Shoma hummed in agreement, making Javier wince a little. “I have to say I do have feelings for him but I also know that he has only friendly ones towards me.” Shoma raised a brow, tilting his head to the side.

 

“But he kissed you, like he kissed me..” Javiers lips twisted in a sad smile.

 

“It was a goodbye. I knew it. He gave me something, so I can move on. He… He is not someone easy to love but I think you can give him what he needs.” Shoma frowned. “I can see he cares deeply about you, more than he did about me to be honest. Since Pyeongchang he has been a wreck, but it started way before that. I can only guess but something happened between you two before his injury right? Because he was behaving weirdly. Yuzuru wasn’t quite himself for a while but then during his recovery it changed. He looked happier, more concentrated, believed in himself that he can do it. A new found motivation to get through the hard days. Not just the wish for a second gold. I could tell and it caused us to have a lot of tension. We butted heads a few times, Brian had to separate us from training together too.”

 

Shoma nodded again, kicking the ground. “Felt bad for him, spoke a bit. Decided to try being friend.” 

 

“That’s good. He needed someone to talk to, someone other than me. It was stupid of me to try at the Olympics especially since I am retiring and he keeps on fighting…”

 

Shoma didn’t know what to say to all this, why was Javier telling him all this. “Why you tell me this?” He ended up voicing out loud.

 

Javier gave him a small smile. “I was hoping that you can maybe try and hear him out, forgive him maybe? He needs you. He refuses to admit but I can see that he is in love with you. Cares so deeply about you and this distance, breaking your heart is killing him. Ultimately it is your choice but don’t think we are together. We are not.” Shoma pursed his lips not sure what to say to that.

 

“Just think about it. I am really sorry Shoma. I did not want to hurt you with my actions. I hope you can forgive me one day too.” With that he excused himself and Shoma stayed there, sitting and staring at the spot the older sat before, letting the words wash over him. It was a lot to take in all at once.

 

\----

 

Shoma ran into Yuzuru later in the afternoon, the corridor empty aside from the two of them. They both froze a bit of a distance from each other. Yuzuru looked conflicted, as if he wanted to speak to him but each time he opened his mouth he closed it and looked down to the floor. Shoma had to wonder if he ever saw Yuzuru this way and he could not recall a single time. He sighed stepping closer to the older until they were closer than they have been in months.

 

“Do you love Javier?” He asked and Yuzuru snapped his head up, shaking his head without delay.

 

“No. He is my friend, nothing else the kiss at Pyeongch---” Shoma did not let him finish his sentence raising his hand to stop him, he wasn’t ready to hear any kind of explanation now.

 

“Do you love me or at least like me more than a friend, given all the things that happened between us?” To that Yuzuru bit down on his lower lip, color rising to his cheeks.

 

“I...I do.” Yuzuru bit down on his lower lip, the shade to his cheeks turning darker. Shoma hummed.

 

“Okay...we talk after this. Do what you need to do here but if I give you a chance, I need you to be hundred percent sure it’s us and nobody else.” Yuzurus eyes widened and his fingers twitched, nodding his head. “After the show… in the hotel.” Shoma nodded and turned to leave, feeling a hand grab him and making him stop. Turning back and looking up through his fridge he saw the hopeful expression of Yuzuru.

 

“We will really talk?” He asked and Shoma nodded again. “Yeah…”

 

\----

 

After the second practice Shoma found himself cornered by Sota and Keiji. He only needed to look at his two friends to know this would be a serious talk.

 

“Do you intend to talk to Yuzuru or avoid him forever?” Sota asked crossing his arms.

 

“I do, after the show.” He answered and both widened their eyes, obviously not expecting that answer. 

 

“You d-do?” Keiji stuttered, sharing a look with Sota. “Like...for real?” 

 

“Yes. I spoke to him before practice. We talk once the show is over.” Sota looked a bit grim.

 

“Are you giving him another chance?” Shoma shrugged a bit.

 

“I don’t know yet. He did say that he likes me more than a friend. I asked him. I needed to know. I told him to make his closure here for whatever he needs to because if he wants me, he needs to be hundred percent sure. I am not going to give him another chance to break my heart. He will have to fight to make things right again.”

  
“Good.” Keiji said making, Sota glare at him a bit. “What? I am his friend too but he was a fucking jerk and he needs to own up to it. I told him that too. I am on Shomas side here.” Sota sighed.

 

“I just… Shoma are you sure this is a good idea? He hurt you so much.” He shrugged again, a bit more helpless.

 

“I tried getting over it but...Javier spoke to me earlier too. I own him enough to at least hear him out, I will see what happens after. We can’t go on ignoring each other and since he is here… I prefer this in person than over phone or text.” Keiji smiled at him, patting his shoulder.

 

“Just...watch out for yourself.” Sota added giving his friend a hug, which he accepted hugging him back.

 

“I will.”

 

\----

  
  


Shoma debuted his new exhibition there in Nagano. It was a special venue and occasion after all the he found the music with Mihoko on one of his bad days. It resonated with him with the first notes and while the feeling it conveyed was something he may not be ready to feel, it could be a good start for him. A step in the direction of recovering his broken heart.

 

It was different to perform a jazz song in front of an audience, also knowing Yuzuru would be watching him. Around the first third of it he felt the need to smile, he could not explain if someone asked for the reason. He just did, for the first time in weeks he did not feel the need to cry. The future was uncertain, he still had a long talk ahead of him, probably shedding some tears before there is a lot he needs to say to Yuzuru. Nevertheless he felt hopeful. Either the end result, he will find some kind of closure. He desperately needed so he could move on to a better future, with or without Yuzuru.

 

\----

 

Shoma also performed his new short program - Stairway to Heaven. It was meant to show a new side of him and while it wasn’t perfect he felt satisfied with it. Trying out how the audience would accept it and if he passed Yuzuru backstage after his program, seeing a particular blush on his cheeks with eyes a bit glazed, he knew he made a good choice for the program. He felt a bit smug at the reaction the older gave, trying to hide his obvious frustration from him. 

 

\----

 

As usual Yuzuru was last to perform and he had picked Hope and Legacy for Nagano as the song was the theme of the Olympics before too. His performance ever so beautiful even if his jumps weren’t perfect. Given him still recovering it still was more beautiful than most competitive programs out in the field. Yuzuru could skate without any jumps and everyone would be drawn into the magical world he draws on the ice. Shoma wished that one day he will be able to showcase his programs the same way.

 

During the Finale he has seen from the corner of his eyes, how Yuzuru seeked out Javier, leaning against him for support but also could tell, it was nothing more than of friendship. Their talk would be after the show and Yuzuru looked so small, conflicted and confused. Shoma noted with surprise that over the years he had learned to read his body language better than most. He recalled Javier's words from their conversation and he hummed.

 

Yes, maybe he meant more to Yuzuru, as the older did not seem to hide his true emotions around him that much. He simply couldn’t see it before.

 

\----

 

As promised Shoma let Yuzuru know his hotel room number, though he wasn’t sure if it was necessary. Yuzuru could easily find it out but he felt it was a sign that he really was willing to talk. He took a quick shower, toweled his hair dry, gave his room a quick glance if it was acceptable messy or not. In the end he shrugged and waited. He didn’t need to wait long, shortly after 10pm there was small knock on his door. Standing up he opened up to a shy looking Yuzuru.

 

Shoma stepped aside to invite him in, which the older took before Shoma decided otherwise. He stopped in the middle of the room, tense as there was no other space to sit than the bed.

 

“Sit on the bed, it’s fine.” Shoma said from behind making him jump a bit but he nodded and sat down. Yuzuru played with the ends of his jacket, chewing on his lower lip. Shoma sighed and turned a bit to have a better look at him.

 

“I want you to hear me out without interrupting me.” Yuzuru raised his head and looked at Shoma, swallowing but at the same time nodded. “Good.” Shoma breathed a few times to collect himself. “You probably know this already but I had a crush on you for a really long time, which then developed into full blown love. Unfortunately over the course of the last years you have broken my heart several times too. First you had called me your “little brother” to Brian in an overheard conversation. It followed with you getting closer and closer, giving me weird signals. I was so happy in Boston where we finally kissed until Javier told me at Japan Open that you two were still together, did not break it off officially. I felt so used, like a homewrecker. You constantly ran hot and cold, leaving me confused but as my love for you was so much stronger than any rational thinking I let you do that. All my friends kept telling me that I should just stop, it won’t be good for me in the end. I guess they were all right.” Yuzuru looked close to crying, chewing at his lower lip, which appeared now dangerously red. Shoma reached out to touch his cheek.

 

“Stop biting your lip.” He chastised even though he was worse than Yuzuru in this aspect but the elder listened, leaning into his touch for a second, then caught himself. “I told you to leave me alone after Japan Open because Javier told me all that but then you got injured and I went back to what I knew best, supporting you, loving you. Then Pyeongchang…” Shoma glanced away. “I was so happy to see you, compete with you and just...everything but then you invite me over, I go and I catch you kissing Javier. Not just him kissing you but you returning it as well. I didn’t think my heart could break any further but guess what? It did.” This time when he looked at Yuzuru, he was crying and Shomas breath hitched. “Yuzuru you broke my heart so many times… without me knowing why you had to be like that, why you...I don’t understand and I need to understand. Even if I hear you out now I hope you know that things may never go back to how they were, right?”

 

Yuzuru nodded his head, rubbing his hand over his sweats. “I know...I know… I hurt you so bad.” His voice sounded rough and vulnerable. “I am so sorry, Shoma. I...I made so many mistakes.” The older closed his eyes, a few more tears running down his cheeks. Even now he looked beautiful and Shoma hated himself for wanting to comfort him. 

 

“It’s true that me and Javi were together for awhile but things were difficult. I could never let him close enough to me, I did love him but the balance between us training, him doing well, me struggling on top of a relationship. It wasn’t working and we saw it already so many months before Boston too. Neither of us wanted to be the one to break it off though. You...you walking in and the dynamics changing between us was unexpected. I didn’t know how to deal with it. On one hand there was Javi and on another there were you. Me kissing you in Boston while someone else was in the picture even if not really as a boyfriend anymore was wrong and I realized that too. I spoke to Javi and broke it off after but he didn’t understand, he thought I wanted a break to figure some things out but I ended it after Boston when we were back in Toronto. It was summer when he finally understood. So much miscommunication happened and I know it was my fault too. I am so sorry. I-- I never thought someone could mean so much to me like you do. I was scared, terrified especially given how much I already messed up with Javier, didn’t want to repeat it. What if I can’t love you right? I am not good with expressing my feelings with words and you deserved so much more than what I have done. I can see now how my behaviour did exactly feared I would do. Me telling Brian that was simply because he suspected me being with Javi and now you, and you were younger and underage too. I said what was best to get him off my back. I am so sorry you had to hear that. Everything we did together was special for me. The kisses, us making love. I...I felt alive and happy but feared to show or let myself sink into it more. Japan is not understanding enough for this. I wish I could change so many things from the past and show you how important and special you are to me.” Yuzuru reached forward, tentative but took Shomas hand between his, rubbing along his knuckles.

 

“I kissed Javi in Pyeongchang. I don’t know what got into me. I wanted to say goodbye to what we had, I was missing human contact. I was a fucking idiot.” Shoma had to chuckle at that, agreeing and Yuzuru gave him a small sad smile.

 

“You are the best thing that happened to me and I just wish you would give me a chance to make things right. To give you what you deserve.” Yuzuru bit his lip for a second. “But I also understand if you can’t do that. I hurt you over the course of years, broke your heart and I don’t think I deserve forgiveness or your love after all that but I also wish you would allow me. I am so sorry… I--” Yuzuru looked at Shoma, reaching up with one hand to touch his cheek. “I love you, Shoma.”

 

Shomas breath hitched and his had closed his eyes, letting a single tear roll down his cheeks. The three words he wanted to hear for years.

 

“You are an idiot, Yuzu.” Shoma looked at him, leaning into his touch. Yuzuru let out a wet sound, squeezing the hand he was holding.

 

“I know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: And this concludes my work! Thank you for everyone who has been keeping track, giving kudos and making comments! It has been a long and sometimes struggling journey with this one but I am proud of it. Thank you all!


End file.
